THE 2010 ROSSY AWARDS!!!

Back in the 90's my fraternity started an annual tradition of awarding the best moments of drunkenness, debauchery, and stupdity which became the Rossy Awards.Enjoy!

Best Felony Committed by a Celebrity Impersonator – A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a series of banks in Central Tennessee around xmas time brandishing a gun and red sack to carry the cash. Witnesses described suspect as having twinkling eyes, cheeks as red as roses, and belly that looked like a bowl full of jelly. FBI noted to be lookout a miniature sleigh being pulled by eight tiny reindeer with one of them reported to have a shiny red nose

Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity - Guys dream of knocking over a casino but one armed bandit managed to live it and steal $1.5 million from the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Not bad for a day's work except for one problem. He stole $1.5 million in $25K chips instead of cash which are only redeemable at...the Bellagio. As George Clooney noted in Ocean's Eleven, 'It's always the little details that matter'

Best Fight (Non-Drinking) Category – At the Comicon convention in San Diego, a comic book enthusiast (PC term for nerd) was stabbed in the eye with a pencil by another comic book enthusiast during an argument over a front row seat for a Q&A with Seth Rogan and cast of ‘The Green Hornet’. No word if the assailant was apprehended by an actual superhero or someone dressed as a superhero. Seth Rogan later visited victim in hospital asking if a glass eye could double as a one-hitter adding that it would be ‘far-out’.

Best Fight (Drinking) Category – A patron at a karaoke bar in Manila, Philippines ended up being shot and killed as a result of a fight with other patrons who did not like his version of the Frank Sinatra song ‘My Way’ and apparently wanted it their way. Music Industry experts referred to it as the Phil Spector method of voice coaching. On a possibly related note The Jonas Brothers were advised to never set foot in the Philippines.

Best Addition to the English Language - In divorce papers, former wrestler Hulk Hogan allegedly transformed a proper noun into a verb after he threatened to 'OJ' his wife during an argument. This narrowly defeated the creation of a new adjective of referring to male douchebag behavior as pulling a 'John Mayer'.

The WTF Moment of 2010 – Kim Kardashian allegedly received dozens of death threats from angry Justin Bieber fans via Twitter after the two were companions to the White House Correspondents Dinner. One of which actually prompted a Federal Investigation of a 13 year old who threatened to hijack a plane and crash it into the Kim’s house. Combined with the various mob scenes related to Bieber fever at malls and airports, JBieb fans might be the new Hell's Angels

Best Riot not involving European Soccer or Justin Bieber fans – Police in Hickory, TN were called to a Chuck E Cheese to break up a melee between two families that started over the line for a photobooth. The family fun time eventually ended in criminal charges for threatening a police officer, marijuana possession, and assault after one lucky birthday girl got punched in the face. The last one may be the most serious offense since a knuckle sandwich was normally not included with a birthday package. Management noted to prevent in any future problems they would remove Crystal Meth as a topping from the Sundae Bar.

The Exemplary Use of Firearms with Alcohol Award presented by The Nat’l Rifle Assoc. and Busch Light – A 66 year-old man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting out his television with a shotgun after becoming enraged that Bristol Palin advanced to the finals of Dancing With The Stars which led to a 14 hour standoff with police. Because the defendant had mental issues and was 'sort of' drinking at the time, his attorneys planned an insanity defense citing no normal man in his right mind would voluntarily watch Dancing With The Stars.

The Karma Is a Bitch Award – Ivana Trump, ex-wife of Donald Trump and plastic surgery failure was thrown off an flight from Palm Beach to New York after having a tantrum about small kids crying in First Class.

The Silvio Berlesconi Award (given for best political sex scandal) – The governor of the Hyderabad region of India, Andhra Pradesh was forced to resign his office after a videotape surfaced of his performance as a amateur porn star with not one but two ladies of the night. Adult website reviews generally noted he will never be mistaken for Tommy Lee anytime soon

Best Sports moment not making Top 10 Plays of the Year – A husband in Norwalk, CT was arrested for threatening his wife with a knife after becoming angry that she canceled ESPN on their cable package. Meanwhile the Rossy Committee is about 95% sure the on-air talent at ESPN referenced the incident with either a bad pun or overused catch phrase

The Happy Hour Lasted An Hour Too Long Award – State Police in Oliver, PA found a drunken 55 year-old man in the middle of a highway trying to revive an opossum that had been flattened by a car with mouth to mouth resuscitation. The animal do-gooder was handed a citation for Drunk & Disorderly along with a pack of breath mints.

Employee of the Month Award – A Verizon debt collector was fired after telling a Las Cruces, NM customer that she would ‘blow up his mother***ing house’ over a $308 bill. Also Verizon was forced to phase out some late penalties including kneecapping, kidnapping or going for a 'drive' to a secluded swamp in New Jersey. The incident capped off a milestone year for customer service at Verizon where they were also sued after refusing to shut off phone service for deceased people claiming death certificates were not enough for proof of death

Best Moment of Unintentional Hilarity – During a blood drive pep rally at a Norwin, PA high school, students witnessed an epic misadventure with Microsoft PowerPoint when a presenter from the American Red Cross accidently opened a file containing gay porn instead of one about blood donation. Luckily for students the situation served as a teachable moment about the importance of accurately naming computer files so that myschoolpresentation.ppt could never get confused with mygayporn.ppt

The Charlie Sheen Award – This year the Rossy Committee has established a new award for epic achievement in partying and clearly only one man can bear its namesake! Mr.Charlie Sheen exemplifies excellence in the art of the good time and in 2010 set the gold standard after NYC Police were called to his suite at the Plaza Hotel to discover him naked, trashing the room in an apparent rage stemming from bad cocaine sold to him earlier that evening. Oh yeah there was a hooker hiding in the closet, too. In addition the Rossy Committee would like to acknowledge Mr.Sheen for the all-time greatest celebrity quote.Ever. “I don’t pay prostitutes for sex, I pay them to leave’

AND FINALLY..The Rossy Hall of Fame Inductee for 2010! -
A 30 year-old man in Sarasota, FL was arrested at Wal-Mart after being observed masturbating to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the toy aisle then leaving the residue in the middle of the floor during store hours. Since defendant will be spending his New Year's in county lockup, to accept the award will be whoever had to answer the call for ‘Clean Up in Aisle 5’.

Victoria's Secret gets men in trouble, Wikileaks, and the ONLY post-election that matters

The graph that sums up the entire election – As usual the news network village idiots (aka political correspondents) managed to get it all wrong. No David Gregory it wasn’t about healthcare reform and No Fox News, America is not suddenly in love with conservatism again.

The red line shows percent job losses since this latest recession began. We are already past the halfway at which most jobless rates improved from prior recessions. Obama’s reelection prospects are directly correlated to this graph. If by 2012 the red line is still mired in negative territory, he’s a one termer.

Revenge of the Old, White, Angry Voter – I’ve seen elderly folks riot and it wasn’t pretty. For the past two years the cost of living increase for Social Security recipients has been frozen which combined with cuts to Medicare equaled one pissed off Granny. This was the other main factor contributing to November's bloodbath for Democrats which the DC punditry class also missed. There was a 22 point swing from Dems to Repubs this election compared to 2008 among voters 65 and older proving Social Security is the third rail of electoral politics, touch it and your career dies.

Introducing the Fourth Branch of Gov't - Contrary to what were taught in Civics class laws do not originate in the Legislative branch but rather the Corporate branch of Gov't. Thanks to the Citizen United case where the Supreme Court tossed out the $2500 limit on what corporations and wealthy individuals can spend on campaign donations, unelected people called lobbyists will now be writing our laws. And these corporations made good use of it with $110 million in campaign contributions with 9 to 1 ratio going to the GOP.....


.....which leads to the Republican plan on solving the economy – Allow Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) to explain, ‘You either have to work for rich people or make things for rich people’.


The Mad Hatter called and said he wants his tea party back – While election results for the teabaggers were mixed, the guiding governing philosophy of Tea Party candidates seemed to be repeal of the 20th century:

Return to racial segregation – Rand Paul, US Sen Kentucky (winner)

Repeal of the 14th Amendment (grants citizenship to all born in US) – Tom Tancredo, Gov Colorado (loser)

Repeal of the 17th Amendment (allowing direct election of Senators) – Ken Buck, US Sen Colorado (loser)

Repeal of Separation of Church & State, anti-masturbation, and pro witchcraft – Christine O’Donnell, US Sen Delaware (loser)

Bringing Back Prohibition, Elimination of public schools, Elimination of Social Security and Medicare – Sharon Angle, US Sen Nevada (loser)

Elimination of Minimum Wage and worker’s rights – Joe Miller, US Sen Alaska (loser)

Elimination of the Census because it’s really a plot to help create forced re-education camps once an all encompassing Zionist one-World government takeover is completed by Obama who happens to be Kenyan born, Muslim socialist terrorist – Michele Bachmann, US Rep Minnesota and Mayor of Crazytown (winner)

So when exactly does that audacity kick in? – Watching Obama the past few months has been like watching George McFly get beat up in the parking lot in Back To The Future. You keep wondering when does the nerd finally fight back and assert himself against Biff.

But in other news, it was safe to laugh again – Conan O’Brien returned to late night television. Jay Leno still a no talent suck-ass.

Proof that Secret Intelligence is really an oxymoron – Of the more than 200K ‘Top Secret’, ‘Classified’ pages released on the whistleblower site about America’s foreign policy, 95% could be classified as ‘Well, Duh’. Among the Earth shattering information, Canada is our chief ally, China thinks were stupid, and Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has a penchant for Cuban cigars.

Proof times are getting better– Oprah Winfrey announced her show is going off the air.

Proof globalization is now complete – Hearst magazines announced the launch of Cosmopolitan in Mongolia. Among the highlighted stories in the inaugural issue: ‘How to flirt with a goat herder’, ’The hottest looks in sheepskin’, and ‘Try these 5 bedroom moves tonight and turn your timid nomad into Genghis Khan!’

The 2022 FIFA Soccer World Cup Host Announced – and the winner is Qatar! Which is a shame because soccer was just about on the verge of respectability here in the States. The official reason was listed as allowing the Middle East a chance to host the tournament.

Probably the real reasons were either the selection board of FIFA made the decision while breathing in paint thinner or each member was handed a briefcase of unmarked, untraceable cash from Qatari rulers. Either way that Connecticut sized dingleberry of a country on the Persian Gulf was selected where its charms include a repressive monarchy, no alcohol, and no real rights for women. One small possible oversight is the prospect of playing games when the average temperature reaches 130 degrees in summertime.

Ever wonder if the people running your company are idiots? - Now we have confirmation with the show Undercover Boss which goes a long way to explaining decline of American innovation lately. Amazing how CEO's who are supposedly the smartest people in the organization are clueless how things in their companies actually work. Also amazing is how they are continually surprised to learn in this economy that their employees are struggling yet dutifully show up and work hard anyway because their family well-being depends upon doing a good job.

George Bush reminds us he’s still an asshole – In his not very eagerly awaited autobiography, George Bush reveled the worst moment of his presidency was when Kanye West called him a racist. Considering during his tenure Bush witnessed 9/11, the bungled Iraq War, and the drowning of New Orleans during Katrina. Each event resulted in catastrophic loss of life and one would assume those rank up there on the all time list of bad days. However for Junior the worst moment was being a called a name on Nat'l TV. The breadth of his narcissism and ego is stunning.

An Open Letter to Victoria’s Secret –
My Dearest Vicky,

Oh how we men of a certain age and marital status appreciate your catalogs, commercials, and window placement at malls. But we need a little more 'secretness' from you when showing your Lingerie fashion show. You see we can’t really openly enjoy without getting into major trouble with our significant others and developing that skeevy perv feeling we normally get from watching Miley Cyrus videos. Perhaps renaming to something generic like ‘The Victorian Fishing Show’ or ‘Victorian Do It Your Self Tips’ so as to not be conspicuous or anything when TIVO’d. (wink,wink, nudge, nudge)

Sincerely,

All human beings with the XY Chromosome

Summer 2010 Wrap-Up (The Extra Spicy Edition!!!)

Well with summer of 2010 behind us historians may look back as the year Americans became crazy from the heat

Hottest Summer Ever (no really) – Around here in Jersey, this summer was statistically the hottest on record with a record 53 days eclipsing the 90 degree mark. It was so hot even the camels at the zoo were telling their trainers ‘F**k this man, I’m staying inside’. Strangely all the climate change deniers were pretty quiet during this time

So as temps climbed, Obama’s approval dropped – What’s becoming apparent is that Obama got rolled by Wall Street because as they posted record profits, folks on Main Street still cannot find a job or those with a job aren’t feeling too secure about it.You know Wall Street now officially runs the place when at Congressional hearings, Goldman Sachs was presented with evidence they sold investors on bad deals then had the balls to bet against those bad deals in some strange mechanism called derivatives. Their response was ‘yeah, so?’


Thankfully there were some great vacation deals on the Gulf coast – With an exploding oil rig followed by blithering incompetence from British Petroleum, the Gulf of Mexico resembled the port-a-potty at a Texas chili cook off.

Interestingly gas prices stayed relatively affordable throughout the whole debacle which seems strange considering normally someone so much as sneezes on a oil rig and World Petroleum prices go up $10 a barrell. Not that I’m implying collusion or price fixing or anything like that among oil companies since they seem so trustworthy from what they tell us in their commercials.

Who you calling ‘We’ White Man? – Fulfilling Obama’s observation that rednecks tend to cling to their guns and bibles during times of uncertainty, Glenn Beck was able to fill the void with his ‘I have a Scheme’ speech….urr….Restore Honor rally in Washington DC convincing 90,000 angry, old, white people that America’s salvation lay in his new book available for only $29.99.

Not sure when exactly America lost its honor but I have a suspicion honor is one of those code phrases for the good old days when Obama had to enter the White House through the servants entrance as opposed to the front door. Washington natives were a understandably apprehensive about Beck's acolytes since most normal people attending rallies usually do not have to be told to leave their guns at home.

Hot new feud: Tea Party vs. Republican Corporate Establishment – As the hope and change thingy got replaced by fear and loathing, a group of angry conservatives developed a habit of dressing up in Revolution War garb and demanding independence from the British. This is where George Michael found out it wasn't THAT kind of teabagging.

When confronted with the fact its 2010 and not 1776 the teabaggers turned their furor on the GOP establishment during election primaries, setting the stage for the real power struggle in Washington next year. Those who want to totally slash Gov't spending against the GOP's corporate overlords who have no desire to see Gov't spending get cut.

Meanwhile some people wanted to blame the Mexicans – If you are Hispanic, a legal resident, and live in Arizona now may be a really good time to get involved in politics or least vote to counter state legislators who apparently do not like you very much. Demonstrated with the passage of SB1070 which allowed police to demand proof of ID of anyone they suspect is illegal (in other words having brown skin) which presumably would result in racial profiling and harassment.

However, before every restaurant kitchen in Phoenix could be emptied out, one of those ‘activist’ Federal judges put a halt to the law citing some small little issue of it violating the US Constitution. But the joke may be on all those rich, wrinkled white people because in 20 years they’ll need someone to wipe their ass in the nursing home.

Ever hear the World’s most annoying sound? – American sports fans were introduced to the vuvezela during soccer’s World Cup.

American Idol wasn’t the only big lineup change – The non-stop party that is Kim Jong-Il's North Korea will take a breather to welcome in his son Kim Il-something-or-other as successor. Foreign analysts presume that Junior helps prove the crazy don’t fall far from the batshit. Seeing as he’s only 27 years old he probably can play the ultimate ‘Do you know who Iam?’ card at clubs and parties. Plus with keys to a nuclear arsenal, Junior can probably have his way demanding free upgrades on airline miles when on the phone with his credit card rewards program.

Top Five Reasons You Can't Blame the (Not really at) Ground Zero Mosque – Never one to miss a chance to demagogue an issue, Newt Gingrich has helped create a dangerous backlash against a proposed mosque near Ground Zero and because nothing says patriotism like cheaply politicizing a Nat'l tragedy. Before anyone starts warming up the bonfire to burn Korans let’s take a few items into consideration

1.You have to differentiate between normal peaceful Muslims and the asswipes who blew up the World Trade Center. These terrorists who were no more a true reflection of Muslims than Pat Robertson is a true reflection of Christianity.

2.It’s really not a mosque, but more of a Muslim YMCA that happens to be open to everyone.

3.It's not really at Ground Zero but two blocks away where within that radius you can find a strip club, an assortment of illegal drugs, and prostitution presumably aimed at the after-hours Wall Street crowd. If Gingrich was worried about desecrating hollowed ground of 9/11 victims start with eliminating those.

4.There happens to be ANOTHER mosque that's even closer to Ground Zero and has been existence since 1968.

5. On the actual site of the Ground Zero are several new office towers that whenever someone goes to the bathroom where does that plumbing go to reach the sewers?...through the resting place of 3,000 people.

Think about that one for second. The site of our Nation's greatest tragedy could not overcome the high corporate real estate value of lower Manhattan. Sort of like building a condo on the site of Pearl Harbor because the ocean views were too good to pass up.If you wanna get mad about desecration, blame the developers not the Muslims.

It's Time for NEW RULES (2010 Edition)

Yes I shamelessly borrowed this concept from Bill Maher

NEW RULE 1 Sex addiction no longer allowed as an excuse for celebrities caught cheating – By now we all know the routine, celeb gets caught in affair, celeb goes into 'sex rehab', celeb does confessional on Oprah, then all is supposedly forgiven. No more, if you're a celebrity and you get having an extramarital affair you don't have a sex addiction, but rather you were someone who won the genetic lottery, had other options sexually and chose to use them.

NEW RULE 2: The TLC Channel must change its name – TLC whose current acronym stands for The Learning Channel must change its name since nothing on that channel is anything worth learning. Unless you still film 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' to document how fame can disintegrate a marriage and corrupt individuals. A possible suggestion for a new name is The 'Dwarfs and dweebs having way too many kids along with some gibroni in New Jersey baking cakes which somehow is supposed to be cute' channel. Also applies to Discovery Health which will now be renamed 'Judging the Mentally Ill' channel.

NEW RULE 3: The Oscars must be subject to a recall vote – This is because upon further review there is absolutely no comprehendible, conceivable, f***ing way that Gwyneth Paltrow beats out Cate Blanchett for Best Actress in 1999. See also: Dances with Wolves over Goodfellas for Best Picture in 1991, Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction for Best Picture in 1995, and the documentary Hoop Dreams never getting nominated in Best Documentary that same year.

NEW RULE 4: Celebrity sex tapes cannot be released unless it's a celebrity we actually want to see have sex – Tapes involving Kendra Wilkinson, Kim Kardashian, et al are acceptable if they can pass the '15 test' which is will a 15 year old teenage boy be aroused enough to want spank off to it. Otherwise shifts to the latter category featuring Pamela Anderson, Tanya Harding, et al where they will be banned for benefit of public health to prevent unintended vomiting. However any sex tape featuring Megan Fox must played on a 24 hour cycle on all major broadcast networks.

NEW RULE 5: The Idle wealthy cannot complain....about anything – Recent studies have shown that rich people who don't work and don't have to (reference: Rich Housewives of New York, trust fund babies, children adopted by Brangelina) are the most likely to seek therapy several times a week because apparently being rich is such a burden with all of its little problems. Therefore counseling for them is limited to forced viewing of the following footage in a never ending loop: 1) kids rummaging a sewage canal for food in Indonesia, 2) a mother hoping to get formula for her starving child in refugee camp in Haiti, 3) working class family in middle America trying to figure out how to pay their mortgage and avoid foreclosure.

NEW RULE 6: Anyone who still chants 'Drill Baby Drill!' is officially a moron – After seeing the calamity in the Gulf of Mexico does anyone still want to argue that finding an alternative energy source other than oil is still a waste of time? If you answered 'Yes' please grab a bucket, mop, gloves and report to the Louisiana coast for clean up duty. Then if the answer is still 'Yes' please see an unemployed Gulf fisherman so they shove a bucketload of oil covered shrimp down your throat.

NEW RULE 7: Creationists cannot be Anti-Environment – If you're a fundamentalist Christian who holds a literal interpretation of the Bible that Earth is only 5,000 years, there is no way you can be in favor of multi-national Energy companies, since oil is formed by decomposing matter from fossils that give or take a couple of MILLION years to form. Because that would be illogical.

NEW RULE 8: Musicians cannot have a 'Retirement' tour one year then several years later stage a 'Comeback' tour – This is sort a hybrid of the Garth Brooks, Eninem, Jay-Z rule because with average cost to see a concert now exceeding $100 per person no one really wants to be jerked around. Therefore alternately must be called 'We're going away on vacation for a three year drug bender' tour followed several years later by the 'Our accountant called with bad news so we're back on the road for more cash' tour.

NEW RULE 9: The Jonas Brothers are officially banned from the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – Any 'rock' band that poses on the cover of Good Housekeeping with their mom is not a rock band, plus any 'rock' band where middle aged parents like to listen to it as much as their kids is not a rock band. Therefore I place this curse upon The Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame: Should any of the Jonas Brothers ever enter its hallowed halls even to use the bathroom, the remaining members of The Sex Pistols will burn it to the ground with the Jonas Brothers inside then urinate on its ashes.

NEW RULE 10: Jesus Needs new PR – Effective immediately, Pope Benedict, Pat Robertson, The Religious Right, et al you are all fired. Please collect your things and leave out the side door as we'll send your 2-week severance in the mail. We who do believe are tired of having to apologize to non-believers every time you say or do something stupid which lately is roughly once an hour. Therefore we will begin the search for new spokespeople whose embodiment runs more along the lines of that guy who lived 2,000 years ago in Jerusalem whose message centered on peace, love, and understanding. You know THAT guy from whom Christianity gets it namesake. Also we'll need Rev. Fred "I picket funerals of fallen US soldiers with God Hate Fags signs" Phelps and all of your braindead followers to kindly report for euthanasia at your nearest death row prison facility.

NEW RULE 11: Politicians and other public figures can no longer offer Non-Apology 'Apologies' when saying something offensive, stupid (or both) – Here's an example of annoying trend in public discourse. During the South Carolina Republican gubernatorial primary State Sen. Jake Knotts referred to candidate Nikki Haley, an Asian-Indian, as a 'raghead' when describing why he endorsed her main rival. Inevitably a fury ensued so Sen.Knotts offered this contrition in the form of 'Sorry if anyone was offended' which sounded more like 'What the hell is the big deal?' as opposed to a real apology which would sound like 'Sorry, what I said was wrong'. Therefore anyone receiving an non-apology 'apology' is thereby allowed to refer to the offending party's mother as a filthy, c-sucking whore, then say 'Sorry if you were offended'.

And Finally NEW RULE 12: Any wingnut who threatens to leave the US because Obama is President must put their money where their mouth is...AND LEAVE – I was never a very big fan of George Bush but at no time in his Presidency did I ever consider leaving because this is my country, my birthplace, and besides Europe is just too crowded. Lately some on the right-wing fringe have been making noise about fleeing the country because they don't like who got democratically elected as President. Interesting how overnight due to one election we went from World's greatest country to some Authoritarian socialist-fascist state. These people are sort of like bandwagon fans in Sports, cheer on their team when times are great but root for some other team when times are bad. So they bloviate about fleeing to Canada or somewhere in Latin America where personal freedom still exists since America became communist or something (not sure if they realize even Costa Rica has universal healthcare).

If that's the case, then leave because this country can get a lot more done without all the dead weight because as Thomas Paine famously declared that now is not the time for 'sunshine patriots'. I know a tropical paradise that will be perfect where you won't be bothered by who gets elected President, you can have all the individual freedom you want, and the income is tax free because there's no government interference whatsoever! It's called Somalia! Though just remember to pack a lot of guns because you'll probably need them. Meanwhile we'll give your spot to one of the millions of people worldwide waiting to come here as immigrants and start their American dream.

Stoners vs. Grizzlies, Gulf Oil Spill, and Spencer Pratt = Condom FAIL

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If I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner....

Every year in Washington Pols and the media who are supposed to cover them get together for something called the White House Correspondents Dinner where they rib and roast each other essentially making it the World’s largest JO session. Traditionally a star comic does the keynote roast and too see an excellent roast lookup Stephen Colbert in 2006 on YouTube. Seeing as this year, it was hosted by Jay LAMEo (re:Leno) who broke the comedian’s code of recycling old jokes and generally bombed because he’s a no talent suck ass.

I decided to give it my treatment so if I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner…..

Announcer - Ladies and gentleman, the emcee for tonight’s soiree, (Insert your name here)( Applause)

Thank you, thank you. Well with two wars raging, 10% unemployment, and an environmental disaster in Louisiana, glad to see the DC crowd still myopic as ever and show its concern by throwing big old party for itself. Well they say politics is showbusiness for ugly people, and looking around the room I’d say they’re right. Jesus, if ugly people supposedly fell off the ugly tree, you people look like you got bounced around by an ugly forest.

Well our guest of the night, a worldwide icon inspiring hope in milllions...First Lady Michelle Obama..(Thunderous applause, standing ovation)......along with President Obama (polite clapping). Well Mr.President have to say I was worried for a moment there before healthcare passed. I thought we voted for the second coming of FDR, instead we got the second coming of Jimmy Carter. You looked like ‘Mr.Smith Goes to Washington’ except you’re version of Mr.Smith was acting like a complete pussy. (Republicans laugh)

But thankfully I’m guessing you've turned the corner and sans diddling an intern with a cigar I’m thinking you’re re-election is probably a given (Hillary Clinton laughs) as I look at the list of GOP Presidential frontrunners, why don’t we run down that murderer’s row (make sarcastic quote of ‘murderer’) :

Mitt Romney, former Gov of Massachusetts whose healthcare reform bill in his state provided the genesis for the nat’l one yet he’s running for President on promise to repeal it thinking will no one will notice. (laughter)..yep he’s moron! (cue to Mitt Romney laughing then getting the joke five minutes later)

Tim Pawlenty, current Gov of Minnesota whose main claim to fame is serving as the typical white guy photo in Microsoft ClipArt. Biggest problem is his last name matches his personality, where it sounds too much like one of those bland, Fiber,whole grain cereals that make you poop 10 times a day.

Newt Gingrich, former House speaker and current blowhard where I’m thinking his candidacy will be viable for about 5 minutes. That’s about the time when voters learn how you divorced your first wife while she fought breast cancer. Especially the romantic part where you demanded she sign divorce papers…..as she woke up from mastectomy surgery in the hospital.

Mike Huckabee, former Gov of Arkansas…..three words Not.Gonna.Happen

So that leaves…(introduce theme song to Jaws dundun dundun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN…)

Sarah Palin!,AHHHH!…(Jaws music crescendos). The walking, talking nightmare of every thinking American.

Now let me explain why Blue States are scared shitless of her getting anywhere near power. Remember the movie ‘The Dead Zone’ with Christopher Walken when he was at his absolute creepiest? The story is Walken plays a psychic who can tell people’s future by shaking their hand, and one day meets a Senate candidate played by Martin Sheen. Well Walken envisions Sheen becoming a ego-maniacal President who will start an unprovoked nuclear war and realizes he has to stop him.

And that’s what I see with Sarah Palin…..BOOM!....mushroom clouds resulting in death, disease, destruction, starvation after she mistakes the nuclear launch codes for her laptop. Now I’m not saying I’ll end up like Walken in a high vantage point with a sniper’s rifle…but don’t push me! (Democrats roar with laughter)

Now lets spotlight some other Political heavyweights and lowlifes…

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, now let’s see you have 40 seat majority which you may lose to the GOP next year….well leave it to Democrats to pull defeat from the absolute clutches of victory. (cue Pelosi trying to smile, but can’t due to collagen injections)

Former Bush political advisor Karl Rove, if you were any bigger of an asshole we’d need a proctologist

David Axelrod Resident Genius (trademark), Obama’s chief political advisor. After looking at those poll numbers and looming electoral disaster for Democrats this year, not sure I’m seeing the genius. Did you win the election last year or did McCain lose it?

Sen. John Ensign of Nevada, I like the way you roll playa. I mean pretending to be all conservative family values while banging your chief of staff’s wife, then when caught paying him off with extortion money and gov’t contracts to keep quiet. Now that’s genius…..oh wait….that’s not public knowledge yet….ooops….my bad. (cue FBI serving Ensign a search warrant).

Former VP candidate John Edwards....you can just get the hell out of here! Seriously take your nutty mistress and leave! (cue John Kerry clapping)

Now let’s meet some our esteemed members of the LAMESTREAM Media….

First, there’s David Gregory host of NBC's Meet the Press, which reminds me, I found some kneepads underneath the podium so naturally I’ll assume their yours after fellating The Bush Admin for 8 years… (cue Katie Couric laughing)

The dean of the Sunday Morning chat show, Bob Schieffer who recently announced the novel concept of using fact-checkers during his CBS show. Whoaa Bob.....you mean it didn't occur to you that politicians may not be telling the truth? And you have you've hosted the show for how long?

Ahh, Katie Couric, the woman who brought down Palin with her ‘Interview that saved the World’. Oh Katie I’m sure you won’t try to milk that for the next decade or so. (cue David Gregory laughing)

George Stephanopoulos, host of ABC's This Week....oops I mean former host....after being relegated to ABC This Morning because you’re work during last election exposed you as a vapid, know-nothing hack. (everybody laughs hysterically)

And the folks at politico.com who I would refer to as the TMZ of politics, except TMZ actually has some sort of journalistic integrity

And Fox News political analyst and convicted prostitute toe licker Dick Morris….. speaking of Fox News where’s CEO Rupert Murdoch? …..Ahh you know having someone like Glenn Beck spew daily violent, delusional, unsubstantiated conspiracy theories to an audience of armed wingnuts who you personally noted were not all that bright sort akin to lighting a match around a leaking gasoline truck. But hey, what harmful unintended consequences could possibly come from a little bloviating now and then?…...(mutter under breath) Tim McVeigh and the Oklahoma City bombing….

Finally how about that Tea Party movement, huh? Which is complete bullshit because were a country of coffee drinkers. I swear Jeff Foxworthy could do a whole new comedy routine from these tea party rallies….’ If you believe the Census is a socialist plot to round up all gunowners into re-education camps, then you might be a redneck’ (cue Jeff Foxworthy furiously writing something on a napkin)

But I thought I’d end with three little pieces of advice for all the teabaggers out there foaming at the mouth with white male paranoia masquerading as a protest over taxes:

First, when making those cleaver little signs, enlist the help of spellcheck or a dictionary or someone with a reading level higher than the 3rd grade. Another idea, swap signs to check others work that way you can catch errors easier….like suggesting ending The with an e.

Second, if you’re going to dress up in Revolutionary War garb, go all out. A patriot hat and coat over a faded NASCAR racing t-shirt gives the impression you’re really not committed.

Lastly, you cannot use the words communist AND fascist as adjectives to both describe the same thing in the same sentence. These are two diametrically opposite concepts in political science…..sort of like trying to use Matter vs. Anti-Matter.....or sort of like calling someone a Yankees fan and a Red Sox fan….simply makes no sense. But I’m sure you already knew that (vaguely hiding contempt).

Well time for me to head out before I gag from the sight of Ann Coulter eating but you’ve been a great audience. If I’ve said anything to offend....then good, I meant it and I hope it stings. Good night and on behalf of middle, working class America, to quote Dick Cheney.....go fuck yourselves!

Lindsay Lohan, Philly Airport, and Healthcare is sort of a big f*****g deal

Spellcheck FAIL - My photo outside the Taco Bell in Mantua, New Jersey. Really hope this is not indicative of the local school system.

Air Traffic Control = So Easy a Kid Can Do It – The head of air traffic control at New York’s JFK Airport has some explaining to do after audiotapes revealed two instances of kids actually directing air traffic last year. Not sure what the dust up is all about, since it’s only like the nation’s busiest airport, located in a densely populated area, with dozens of airplanes carrying thousands of passengers circling the city at any given moment. What could possibly go wrong? Besides there’s always the Hudson River if a plane ever really needed to land.

Most unfortunately named village on Earth – In Yemen, a village called al Qeada is considering changing it’s name for obvious reasons. Though having a controversial sounding name was never a deterrent to places Intercourse, PA or Dildo, Newfoundland

Forget Virginia, Philly’s Airport is the place for lovers – According to a recent survey of air travelers, Philadelphia Int’l Airport was ranked ‘Best Place to Hookup’ during a layover which is convenient for anyone flying US Airways because as the hub you’ll be there for awhile. Who knew building a Marriott hotel inside the main terminal would be so forward thinking. Bet you could make a killing running a condom kiosk.

Evidently ‘The Hills’ really does speak to today’s youth – A group of teenagers in Beverly Hills found a lucrative afterschool activity by breaking into celebrities homes and stealing cash, jewelry, clothes to the tune of $2 million dollars. Earning the name ‘Bling Ring’, they were eventually caught via surveillance footage, and when pressed for a motive said ‘They wanted the clothes they saw celebrities wearing on TV’ which doesn’t exactly put them a league with John Dillinger gang.

However, seeing as their victims included Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Adrienne Partridge they may be able set a new legal precedence of “Robbing from stupid rich people can’t be considered a crime if they never notice their belongings are actually missing”. Hilton was robbed 4 times before she finally noticed $500K of jewelry were missing and every time left her door unlocked.

John Mayer reveals the racial preferences of his penis – At this point Mayer is the male version of Megan Fox when it comes to interviews in terms of suffering from bouts of unfettered verbal diarrhea. In a interview for Playboy Mayer referred to his wanker as ‘David Duke’ because of it’s 'white supremacist tendencies’ when choosing the race of women ‘it likes to sleep with'. The only thing more controversial besides referring to his penis in the third person was dropping the ‘n’ word which when unless you’re a rapper is sort of verboten.

If you like your religion a little on the extremist side – A group calling themselves ‘The Army of God’ who fashion themselves the Christian Taliban have been patrolling Amarillo, Texas as sort of a morality police recently made headlines after forcibly breaking up a swinger’s party in town. Besides swingers, evidently the group is also targeting strip clubs, gay bars, coffee shops, book stores, liberal churches, and just about anywhere that doesn’t agree with their rigid interpretation of Christianity. This would be a good time for say Local or State law enforcement to intervene and put a stop to these people since last I checked harrassing people doing lawful activities sort violates the idea of personal freedom. Plus we would not want Pat Robertson getting any ideas.

Coming up next on The People’s Court – Lindsay Lohan, failed actress/singer/fashion designer and current raging nitwit sued e*Trade over a Super Bowl ad that supposedly defames her (the one with the talking baby calling another baby Lindsay an milkoholic) and she’s asking for the pittance sum of $100 million dollars. Legal experts weighed in on the suit noting even crack dealers were asking ‘What is she high?’. Actually the case will eventually get dismissed citing the Supreme Court case ‘Hustler Magazine vs. Falwell’ that ruled obvious parody cannot be considered slander or libel.

The suit is quite insightful because it reads right like a mental health checklist for schizophrenia:
Irrational Thought – That ‘milkoholic’ joke directly references her (allegedly) past substance abuse problems
Delusions of Grandeur - Claims the named baby ‘Lindsay’ references her because she’s so famous Worldwide that she is recognized by just her first name (akin to Madonna, Liberace, or Jesus)
Paranoia – That commercial will irrevocably hurt her career
Seeing or Hearing Things that aren’t Real – Lindsay having people tell her she actually has a career

Republicans successfully capture the ‘bat shit crazy’ segment of voters – Modern conservatism started out as an intellectual movement centered among Ivy Leaguers and other elite who wanted an alternative to FDR's New Deal policies. Now compared to present time, where according to a Harris Poll, 25% of registered Republicans believe Barack Obama to be the Anti-Christ while another 13% aren't sure.

Facebook goes from Social Network to STD Network - Officals in Sunderland, England blamed a sudden spike in Syphillis and Gonorrhea in the community citing the easy access of hooking up via Facebook. However, other theories include the unusually harsh winter in the UK and the fact that in Sunderland is the type of town where there is nothing else to do except drink and shag (English slang for f***). Also have to consider how the local sheep population factors in.

Another Facebook FYI – If you become a ‘fan’ of corporations or products, those companies can in turn mine every piece of your Facebook data. I know this to be true because we were just demo’d software for my company to do that very thing. Just something you might be interested in case you’re like one of those X-Files believing, tin-foil wearing, conspiracist types who believes that alien Zionists from the planet Nephyeon plan to covertly take over Earth through mind control enabled by the butter in microwave popcorn. I’d also mention MySpace but like who actually uses MySpace anymore? (yeah I said it Tom!)

Healthcare Reform (Yep, Joe Biden it's sort of a big f*****g deal) – Evidently Obama reads my blog because last month I extolled him to drop the hope and change thingy in exchange for a more ballsier approach (re: LBJ and Medicare/Medicaid Act). And voila in a show of unusual testicular fortitude, Obama and the Democrats went ahead and actually passed much needed healthcare reform. Meanwhile, for congrats, Europe called and welcomed America to the civilized world where human life comes before corporate profit along with the added benefit of universal healthcare actually spurring economic growth by controlling medical costs.

Now for all the teabaggers out there, put down the pitchforks and shotguns, have a nice cold beer and take a minute to chill out. Because the law just passed was originally a Republican idea and if you want to protest somebody, protest Mitt Romney who enacted the same legislation in Massachusetts while Governor making it the first state to ever have universal coverage. You know, that commie, pinko, socialist guy now running in President in 2012 on the GOP ticket, THAT Mitt Romney.

NBC Olympic Fail, Craigslist eliminates need for pimps, and How Miley Cyrus explains the deficit

Craiglist phases out pimping: Call it another classic example of a profession being phased out by technology. According Dept. of Justice study, pimps are becoming few and far between thanks to Craigslist which allows the Hooker and the John to arrange services directly, therefore cutting out the middle man.

How Miley Cyrus explains Gov't Deficit Spending: There is indeed a 'Party in the USA' but right now that party is being financed by China and how soon until they get tired of watching someone else drink their beer? The current proposed budget is uhh shall we say debt heavy calling for $2 Trillion dollars above what the US can raise in tax revenue. So why is this a problem? Nothing unless our foreign creditors decide to call in the debt and we essentially become like Argentina in the 80's or Greece right now minus the salsa dancing and babes in bikinis.

Joan Rivers denied boarding a plane in Newark Airport...: Because thanks to plastic surgery she no longer resembles Joan Rivers on her picture ID. There is indeed a thing called too much when talking about plastic surgery, so when your face resembles mannequin rather than a human being it's time to stop.

Royal Caribbean - never let tragedy stand in the way of a good time: Cruise liner Royal Caribbean came under fire for docking in Labadee, Haiti just 2 days after the devastating earthquake pratically destroyed the country. I'll have to call inappropriate here since you really should let the bodies get cold before ordering a Tequila Sunrise out of respect you know.

NBC (Not Broadcasting Correctly): At the beginning of 2009 NBC had a choice to make in it's The Tonight Show lineup, either let Jay Leno 'retire' and bring in Conan O'Brien or let Jay Leno keep the show and let O'Brian walk away for $20 million. It tried to have both it ways and worked so well that in nine short months resulted in the 'biggest television programming debacle ever' which even considering Tori Spelling's career is saying something. So to bring Leno back at 11:35pm now costs you paying out O'Brain $35 million along with Dave Letterman now tops in the ratings. Glad that was worth it.

More NBC Fail - The Olympic Edition: Not sure if 'super-genius NBC Sports Exec Dick Ebersol'(trademark) has ever heard of a thing called the internet, but his 1976 broadcast model of tape delaying everything for prime time has managed to kill both ratings and profitability. Thanks to the World Wide Web we know if Lindsay Vonn won downhill gold roughly..oh say..10 seconds after crossing the finish line, so why exactly should I wait 8 hours later to see if she won? Also not helping are the 40 minute to 20 minute ratio of commercials to actual sports coverage. But then again Ebersol like the rest of NBC brain trust occupy that Ivory tower of sheer genius so who am I to criticize.

Bill Romanowski gives us a little TMI: Making the rounds on interviews former Linebacker, thug, and all around bad guy admitted that he was so obsessed with his playing weight that he would actually weigh his own feces daily. And I thought no one wanted to shake his hand because they thought he was an asshole.

Proof this has been the winter from hell: This year the Philly region where we live has had 70 inches of snow and counting. Compare that to the average snowfall of some other snowy locales:
Toronto 52 inches
Fargo, Noth Dakota 38 inches
Minneapolis 50 inches
Chicago 43 inches

New Jersey folds on Gay Marriage: Anyone hoping for gay marriage in the Garden State may have to wait a few years after the State Senate refused to take up a gay marriage law since their still afraid of the Catholic Church..urr..I mean we already have Civil Unions. Of course gay marriage advocates could always slip Senators some cash in unmarked envelopes Tony Soprano style then pretty much anything will fly in this state.
Also for anyone keeping track -
States that allow gay marriage = 5
States allow marriage among first cousins = 24

Utah considering cancelling 12th Grade: In an effort to save money Utah legislators in a race with Texas to create the dumbest state in the country have proposed cancelling off the Senior year of high school. Offical reason probably sounded like this "Dem kids dont need no edumacation, and all dat readin and riting and shit. Cause last we thing we need dem folks goin off and thinkin'.

Healthcare Reform goes from 'Yes We Can' to 'Well maybe not': The phrase 'Money Talks, and Bullshit Walks' took on new meaning thanks to a $3 Billion dollar lobbying effort by the Health Insurance industry who managed to derail HCR even though majority of Americans say we need it. Not that it was hard seeing as most Senators and Congresspeople have spines made of jello and aided by special interest cash to prevent them from having any courage or conviction to handle this country's enormous problems. Biggest mistake the Obama admin made was leaving it to 100 wealthy Senators who have lifetime guaranteed health insurance to try to solve healthcare for the rest of us common folk.

Obama one year later - Plenty of Hope but lacking audacity: If I'm Obama right now watching my approval sink under 50% as my agenda stalls in an incompetant Congress. Ask yourself this question: WWLBJD as in What Would Lyndon B. Johnson Do? To bring about this 'change' you spoke of during the election means going up against very powerful, very rich, entrenched corporate interests hellbent on keeping the status quo. So who better to provide guidance than our 36th President LBJ.

To be sure Johnson was not exactly Mr.Warmth and there is that small issue of Vietnam but no one in recent history knew how to wield Presidential power more effectively to get things done than my boy. He single-handedly managed to pass two of the important pieces of legislation in latter half of the 20th Century, The Civil Rights Act and the Medicare/Medicaid Act. Plus, Johnson accomplished this not by being all 'Hope and Change' but by privately humiliating people, publically kneecapping wayward Congressmen, or if all else failed completely steamroll people who got in the way. That sir is called audacity

FUN BONUS LBJ FACT: During the '64 election when Johnson pulled over to pee on the side of the road, he got so annoyed by the Secret Service who surrounded him just 2 feet away that he started urinating on one of the agents. When one of them complained 'Mr.President you're peeing on me', Johnson replied 'I know, it's my perogative'.