My Unnecessary Guide To the 2012 Republican Presidential Primaries

Warning: The following has been satirized for your protection. Photos courtesy of Wonkette



Since the Washington Post political reporting is staffed by a bunch of idiots, Fox News are bunch of corporate shills, and NYT's Maureen Dowd is an overrated hack. I thought I would bring you the only political analysis of the Republican Presidential Primary that really matters. Otherwise known as I read political blogs so you don't have to.


Here I evaluate each candidate rating their threat to Obama in Joe Biden BFD units (Big Fuckin Deal). This score ranges from 4 (Causes Obama to get gray hairs and need a cigarette) to 0 (Obama can start making plans for his Second Term Inauguration).


The Corporate Establishment Bracket


Mitt Romney

Romney surveys his fiefdom

You might know him as - Former Governor of Massachusetts


Strengths - Republicans like their nominees to look 'presidential' and Romney looks like he came straight from central casting for the part. Essentially the man bankers are counting on to keep the Bush tax cuts going.


Weaknesses - Has managed to take both sides of every issue at some point in his political career depending upon which way the wind blows. Also he created universal health care reform in Massachusetts which looks oddly similar to the one Obama instituted.


BFD Meter - 4


Jon Huntsman

That's Huntsman with an H not C

You might know him as - Former Governor of Utah and US Ambassador to China

Strengths - Moderate with ability to raise conservative talking points without scaring the off Independent voters. Has good hair, Also his daughters are hot which should excite Maxim readers (see below).




Sadly reporters were more interested in his daughters


Weaknesses - His moderate tone probably won't play well with the typical evangelical, Southern conservative who like their politics deep-fried. Neither will his stint as Ambassador to China where he was appointed by...Obama


BFD Meter - 2


Newt Gingrich


Asshat sold separately


You might know him as - Former Speaker of the House of Representatives, History professor, Bill Clinton's arch-nemesis, professional asshole

Strengths - The ultimate shape-shifter. A politician who can survive in just about any political landscape. Can raise money from Wall Streeters in the one day and spend it posing as a fire breathing populist to the Tea Party in the next.

Weaknesses - Never met a microphone he didn't like which leads to a daily helping of him looking like gasbag. Thus as voters get to know him the less they tend to like him. His serial adultery won't play well with the Born Again Christian crowd.


BFD Meter - 2.5




The Tea Party/Religious Right Bracket (aka The people clinging to their guns and religion)


Rick Perry



Clearly compensating for something

  You might know him as - Current Governor of Texas


Strengths - Can bring the Southern good ol' boy charm along with the good hair and rap that speaks to the NASCAR race fan voting bloc. Has managed irritate Karl Rove which gives him Anti-Establishment cred that Tea Partyers crave.

Weaknesses - 'There are three departments that I will cut as President: Education, Commerce, and uh...uh....umm....(90 seconds later)...uh..Oooops..can't think of the third'
Nothing like having a brain fart on Nationally televised debate.


BFD Meter - 2


Michele Bachmann




I'm crazy like a fox...or just crazy

 You might know her as - Current Congresswoman from Minnesota


Strengths - Went Tea Party before it was cool to go Tea Party among GOP power players. While some dismiss her as crank, may have have Machiavellian instincts to dial up just enough crazy to appeal to the Far Right but stay under the mainstream media's radar.


Weaknesses - May actually be batshit crazy. Seems to have problem reconciling some her claims to anything resembling reality.


BFD Meter - 1


Rick Santorum




She googles 'Santorum'

 You might know him as - Former US Senator from Pennsylvania


Strengths - The Religious Right's preferred candidate after publicly stating he would outlaw Abortion and thinks all contraceptives should be banned which secretly gets Pat Robertson aroused.


Weaknesses - Google 'Santorum'...seriously...do it...no really...you've got try it!


BFD Meter - 1




The Libertarian Bracket (aka Conservatives who like to smoke weed and watch South Park)


Ron Paul




Paul and his freedom loving, tax hating groupies

You might know him as - Current Congressman from Texas

Strengths - Quite possibly the only man in Washington who actually says AND does what he believes. Has been the only Republican to voice concerns about War on Terror infringing on civil liberties.


Weaknesses - As patron saint of the Ayn Rand crowd is not afraid to say he would dismantle Medicare and Social Security which considering retired voters are major voting bloc means he has a snowball's chance in Hell in a general election. Karl Rove would burn down the GOP convention before allowing Paul to get the party's nomination.


BFD Meter - 2


Gary Johnson


You might know him as - Former Governor of New Mexico


Strengths - Popular governor in a largely Democratic state and possibly only Governor to ever sport a pony tail. Bears a strong resemblance to 'The Dude' in the Big Lebowski


Weaknesses - Wants to legalize marijuana and reform immigration which puts him squarely against the law and order crowd.


BFD Meter - 1




The Not.Gonna.Happen.Ever Bracket (BFD Meter for each name below sums up to 0 POINT 0)


Buddy Roemer




You might know him as - Former Congressman and Governor of Louisiana


Strengths - Served both State and Federal level.....


Weaknesses - Served both State and Federal level...as a Democrat in the 80's


Thaddeus McCodder


You might know him as - You probably don't but Current Congressman from Michigan


Strengths - Thaddeus who?


Weaknesses - see above


Fred Karger


You might know him as - You almost certainly never have but he was political consultant if you really need to know


Strengths - First openly gay politician to run for President


Weaknesses - First openly gay politician to run for President...for the GOP nomination...in a party that virulently anti-Gay. Good luck with that sir.


Gone but not forgotten:
Herman Cain (His endorsement could be key)


Gone and very much forgotten:
Sarah Palin
Tim Pawlenty


And the WINNER of the GOP Primary will be: Mitt Romney! Gingrich and Perry split the Religious Right/Tea Party/Batshit Crazy voters who make up the Anyone but Romney contingent which provides Mittens the opening he needs pass through to the Winner's circle. Ron Paul continues his Don Quixote'esque quest for the Presidency which ends up like a cult TV show: has rabid, cult following but falls far short in terms of actual votes and ends up cancelled.


And the WINNER of the 2012 Presidential election will be: TOSS UP! Essentially a replay of 2004 where a vulnerable incumbent faces a flawed challenger. Whoever wins it will be a 51-49 split.


Forget Meet The Press since David Gregory is an absolute tool...because THIS could be the key to deciding the 2012 race: The dark horse for running mate would be Marco Rubio, US Senator from Florida. A Romney/Rubio combo would peel away two big voting groups Obama would need: white college educated professionals and Hispanics.











Black Friday Madness, Insane Clown Posse, and Belguim = Anarchists' Paradise

by Jason Neal

From The Annals of Chutzpah - In an attempt to clear their good names and protect whatever is left of their once grand fortune. The Non-indicted members of the Madoff family (so far) have written a tell-all arguing they knew nothing of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme, that essentially boils down to: 'Even though we had no idea where the $2 Billion came from, we just cashed the checks and assumed he got it waiting tables or something'.

Legal analysts when asked if this strategy would work replied 'Uh good luck with that.' So best strategy for the Madoffs is to change their name, go to some faraway country, and just disappear. Because there is a reason you never meet anybody with the last name of Ponzi anymore.

The latest Terror Threat To America - Juggalos, the self-described fan base of the rap duo Insane Clown Posse (see photo) who may or not may be some post-modernist, absurdist comedy act were labeled a gang by the FBI. But lest Juggalos get confused for Bloods, Crips, or Hell's Angels, loitering in the parking lot of the local 7-11, while wearing facepaint and drinking Diet Faygo would not exactly be construed by prison lifers as 'hard core'

Look out middle America, it's your worst nightmare

NBA Lockout Avoided - Thankfully only about 15 games of a 82 regular season had to be cancelled (and you thought NASCAR dragged on forever). This will undoubtedly spare the most vulnerable and I speak of the entourages of the players of course. Those unsung heroes who make sure the Escalade is ready for that 2:30am ride to the strip club and there are enough dollar bills to make it rain. And you can really blowout your thumbs handling haters on a players Twitter account.

America Is Now Officially China's Bitch - The US Military backed out of a deal to sell Taiwan several fighter jets, officially saying it did not want to escalate tensions between China and Taiwan whom China considers a renegade province and gets miffed when Taiwan's dogs poops on it's yard. In reality its because US is so indebted to China that all the Beijing has to do to destroy America is call in the debt. So Taiwan, it was nice knowing you.

Belgium: The Hot New Destination for Anarchists - From April 2010 through December 2011, Belgium was officially without a government after its Parliament could not produce a ruling majority marking a European record for longest period without a government. No economic collapse, or chaos or societal breakdown were reported. Just Belgians carrying on at what they do best namely drinking beer, making chocolate, and holding a 200 year old grudge with the French. Many people wonder if the US would prosper without central Gov't but that's pure hogwash. Because corporate lobbyists would be out of a job.

Oil Isn't the only natural resource about to run out - Remember when coffee cost a nickel? In the near future we may be saying 'Remember when coffee only cost $20?' Thanks in part to the rapid growing middle class in the developing World who have formed an insatiable demand for coffee. And global warming where new research from the International Centre for Tropical Agriculture warned it would become too hot to grow coffee in many the world's main producers like Ghana and Ivory Coast by 2050.


So that Cup O' Joe may end up being called Cup O' MY God, You Want Me To Pay What?

Does It Actually Pay To Be Nice? - According to Guido Heineck of the Inst. for Employment Research the answer is No. His study published in Industrial and Labor Relations Review he found a negative relationship between earnings and agreeableness. So in other words the bigger asshole you are, the more likely you are to make more than your co-workers. But also presumably there is a negative relationship between being a prick and odds of being invited to happy hour.

...which probably explains Wall Street Bankers' Success - Traders on Wall Street boycotted Mario Batali's restaurant Babbo in New York's financial district after he likened them to Stalin or Hitler. One unnamed trader complained to Wall Street Journal 'I can't believe I just spent $4,000 there the other night' which highlights why Occupy Wall Street exists. How many Americans in this economy can afford to drop $4,000 on a restaurant tab for trendy Italian food? And Wall Streeters wonder why the other 99% hate them.

You Go Girl! - Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback got owned by a high school senior in what quite possibly is the most pathetic display of power in American politics. After 18 year-old Emma Sullivan trashed Gov.Douchebag Brownback via Twitter, aids to Brownback who saw the tweet tattled to her high school principal who demanded Sullivan write an apology. But Sullivan refused reminding said Principal that First Amendment rights of US Constitution still apply to teenagers and took to the web to call out the Governor as a whining, crying, little bitch which goes viral and Brownback is forced to actually apologize to Sullivan. That kids is how you take on oversensitive, hypocritical, blowhard politicians.

So Much for All That - Herman Cain, millionaire, former CEO of God Awful urr Godfather's pizza and a straight up playa' quit his Presidential campaign after allegations of sexual harassment and adultery. In defense of Cain on two fronts, first I'm sure in the pizza business there is legitimate use of the phrase 'Hey Baby, would you like some hot sausage in your pie'. Second, carrying on an affair for 13 years is still longer than any monogamous relationship Newt Gingrich ever had.

NEW RULE - If you pepper spray other people waiting in line at Wal-Mart or step over a dying elderly man to get last $9.99 DVD player during Black Friday you are officially insane - I know they call it Black Friday Madness but really that's just an expression. The sudden disappearance of tanning beds from the Jersey Shore probably would not elicit as much hysteria. Because technically Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and if he were here he would tell everyone waiting for Target to open at midnight to calm the fuck down.






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Song of the South, Occupy Wall Street, and Why Conspiracies Are So Hard

By Jason Neal

NOT Coming Soon to a Theater Near You - As part of their latest parental extortion scheme, Disney over the course of the next few years will be opening the vault to all their hits for limited engagements via 3D. But don't expect 'Song of the South' coming around anytime soon ....or ever. Because remember reading about those good old, halcyon days right after the Civil War where the South was bastion for racial peace and equality? Neither did anyone else. Which is why Disney wishes it could magically make every VHS tape of it still out there disappear like The Jonas Brothers.

The 1946 live action/animation film set in the Reconstruction Era of the South where an elderly Black sharecropper Uncle Remus regales small children and animated furry animals with stories of Southern folklore. While most famous for its Oscar winning song 'Zippity Doo Daa', its also noted for its cringe inducing effect caused by its racial stereotypes and slave/master overtone that managed to be blissfully ignorant of history making it the SECOND most politically incorrect movie of all time.

FUN BONUS FACT: You'll notice I said 'Song of the South' was the SECOND most politically incorrect movie of all time. That honor goes to the 1971 film 'The Day the Clown Cried' a fun, whimsical Holocaust tale starring Jerry Lewis as a concentration camp political prisoner forced dress as a clown to be a pied piper for Jewish children and lead them to their deaths in a gas chamber. Worst part was how the movie was going to be marketed as a dark comedy (I'm not kidding). Not surprisingly the producer after seeing finished result immediately canceled its release and ordered all reels and negatives destroyed. Looking back it probably saved Jerry Lewis' career so his awkward performances are reserved for his lounge act.

Casual Sex? Yeah there's an app for that!  - Based off the popular gay app Grindr, now comes Blendr for heterosexuals which shows the GPS location of anyone in your immediate area looking for sex at that very precise moment. So say it's lunchtime and your looking for a little 'somethin,somethin'. Click on the green dot to message whomever and assuming they have (choose one) no standards/addiction to crack/zero impulse control...bada bing....you're back a work...with hopefully no need for Anti-Viral medication. It's like a McDonald's drive thru for nymphomaniacs.

US Congress, only slightly more popular than Penis Cancer - According to Gallup, the approval rating for Congress stands at a meteoric 12%. The real question here is who are those 12% of people who actually think this current crop of lawmakers is doing a good job. Seriously did they poll mental wards and retirement homes?

Permission Granted to Serve Fabulously - Do Not Ask, Do Not Tell was officially phased out allowing gay and lesbians to serve in the military openly. Also as we approach the 10 year anniversary of gay marriage slowly becoming legal, a helpful guide of what has transpired thus far:
Funny how civilized society hasn't collapsed

Not that Steve Jobs needs any more eulogizing, but... - Did you know the Apple IIe computer helped end the Cold War? In December 1988 Soviet Premiere Mikhail Gorbachev came to New York City for a summit with President Reagan and newly elected Bush the Senior. Legend has it all three visited a elementary school in Harlem where Gorbachev was given a tutorial on how to use a personal computer...by an 8 year old. So stunned was Gorbachev by the ease of which a kid could learn new information from this revolutionary machine, he suddenly realized his country had nothing technologically of that magnitude. And for any hope of Russia to compete with the West things back home were going to have to change. Thus it was at that moment the seeds of Soviet Union's demise were sown.

But Seriously, Steve Jobs doesen't need anymore eulogizing - While I believe Jobs belongs in the pantheon of Edison, The Wright Bros, and Galileo. Let's not get carried away because was still a human after all. Which is a polite way of saying Jobs could be sort of a prick. The reason I never became Apple fanboy was all of those shiny new devices were made in nearly slave labor like conditions in China. So while his vision of personal computing liberated many, it also trapped others. Plus people who worked him said he had a mean streak the size of Haley's comet.

Wherein I examine the most pressing question of the Amanda Knox Trial -With Amanda Knox acquitted by a Italian Supreme Court for allegedly going OJ on her college roommate while as an exchange student in the country. The biggest unanswered question surrounding her case is not about the dysfunctional Italian legal system or even if she did it. For men at least it's would you...like...you know...do her?

To assess this question we'll utilize a scientific method called 'Rachael Ray Units'. This is the measurement of how many alcoholic beverages would you need to consume for TV host Rachael Ray to become attractive or in this case Knox. For Amanda Knox the results are 6.2 (as in needing 6 beers and 2 shots) which puts her in Sarah Jessica Parker territory.

Quite possibly the Greatest Waste of Time..EVER - A website called http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/ is devoted to evaluating the content written on blackboards in porn scenes using the typical student-teacher scenario. No actual nudity or sex shown so it's SFW. Just grading whether what's on the blackboard is correct. God Bless America!

Why Conspiracies Are Hard To Pull-Off - A statistical theory from entsophy shows a formula for why:    

To see the real reason, one must understand the central tension of a ringleader.  If you increase the number of conspirators for greater effectiveness, you also increase the chance of failure.  Moreover, effectiveness increases slowly as you add conspirators but the chance of failure increases rapidly.
This can be formulated in a model.  Let n be the number of conspirators and let p= probability that a single conspirator will not cause failure, either through disloyalty or incompetence.  Then
   
Chance of Success = p(n)
Effectiveness = An

Or in other words the more number of conspirators, the higher chance of relying on someone who is a complete dipshit or someone who cannot keep their mouth shut. Which is why I never really believe conspiracy theories involving our Gov't since that would require immense cooperation and sophistication among large bureaucracies without a single person screwing it up or blabbing about it. If you've gone through airport security lately you know this is not possible.

But some Conspiracies Succeed Splendidly - What if I told you that there was secret organization made up of powerful Billionaires and corporations who conspire with key politicians to influence and pass laws in all 50 State Legislatures across the country. You'd would say I should be fitted for tin-foil hat, right?

Let me introduce you to ALEC or American Legislative Exchange Council. A seemingly benign sounding organization but directly responsible for a large volume of legislation in Statehouses across the country all of which is aimed at benefiting large corporations. Founded more than 20 years ago by the various moneyed interests of this country who decided it easier to influence laws they wanted at the State level which often go unnoticed as opposed to the Federal level. So in exchange for upwards of a $25,000 membership fee (otherwise you have to call it a bribe), corporate donors can introduce laws they want enacted to legislators from all 50 states at one time. Then politicians take the proposed legislation back home and introduce it as their own idea and in return are rewarded with nice, fat campaign donations in doing their master's bidding. And thanks to Supreme Court case Citizens United vs. Federal Election Commission which now allows unlimited corporate donations its pretty sweet investment for America's economic royalty.

Here's a sampling of how it works. Do you think it's coincidence that stripping collective bargaining rights for Public employees were introduced in Wisconsin, Ohio, and Tennessee almost all in the same month? Of course not, it came from ALEC. Why? So the For-Profit Education Industry can begin the process of taking over Public Education without the interference from those pesky teacher unions. But since this organization is technically not breaking the law the real conspiracy is why isn't the media covering this?

Some investment advice to the Wall Street Bankers: 'Be Afraid....Be Very Afraid' - I have no idea whether The Occupy Wall Street will lead to much needed financial reforms. But it has already accomplished the one thing the Financial Barons fear the most. Remember the film 'Beetlejuice' where the title character can't make materialize to wreak havoc unless you say his name three times? The Beetlejuice for Economic Ruling Class is when Americans start paying attention to three little words..Growing.Income Inequality...Which OWP just rocketed into the spotlight.

One little chart pretty much sums up the past 30 years, where rich got richer mostly at the expense of the Working and Middle Class. Though no one in the other 99% really noticed because our stagnated wages were masked the influx of cheap credit, 'affordable' housing, and consumer items made by cheap labor elsewhere. Plus we always seemed to be divided by petty grievances like Race, The Culture Wars, etc while preoccupied by absurdities in Popular Culture to really notice that Wall Street's insatiable need for higher and higher profits resulted in jobs moving overseas and evaporation of the American Dream for those who still had jobs.

But this recession has brought things into sharp focus because it was created by Wall Street's greed and whose benefactors collectively have suffered nothing as a result of it. And I have a feeling the old red herring of 'class warfare'' and 'socialism' often levied by the 1% and their enablers at Fox News just aren't going to work this time. The Trickle Down Theory that savings the rich get from low taxes will eventually 'trickle down' to the rest of us which formed basis of US economic policy since 1980 simply hasn't happened. If the ruling class think they can get away telling the nation to accept steep budget cuts, high unemployment, diminished social safety net while they get lower taxes. Then they snorted way too much cocaine with high priced hooker last night.

Your 2011 Summer Wrap-Up or 'May You Always Live In Interesting Times'

'May You Always Live In Interesting Times' - Old Irish proverb

This summer of 2011 has been interesting indeed. A look back shall we.

When Canadians Attack - Actual time and money were spent by the Canadian Gov't to study the causes of the Vancouver riots after their team's loss in the Stanley Cup Finals. There conclusion literally boiled down to one sentence: "There were too many people and they were too drunk."

(Not everyone was bummed by the Canucks loss)

One thing is certain. Canadians are probably the most polite rioters you'll ever find. 'Excuse me sir would you mind stepping out of the car? We would not want you to get injured while we overturn and burn it, eh'

The English Did Too - London suffered its worst rioting since Arthur Treacher's prematurely ran out of Fish N Chips one time during the 80's. Though unlike Canadians who just like to drink and riot, there may have been something more substantive causing these riots coming in the form of economic inequality and high youth unemployment. Which is why American leaders might want to take note because those two ingredients are in plentiful supply over here. While highly unlikely, one extended cable television outage or finding out American idol is rigged could change all that.

(Prime Minister David Cameron: No really everything will be fine. Please remain calm. All is Well)

But Jobs May Have To Wait since The Tea Party decided hold the nation's economy hostage -Congressional teabaggers proved they really are nuts when they nearly caused Worldwide economic meltdown by refusing to raise the debt ceiling unless they get drastic spending cuts. Apparently they slept in during economics class in college when the professor explained austerity rarely does anything to improve the economy let alone create jobs. And the Wall Street Billionaires who bankrolled the Tea Party are probably reconsidering that experiment after the Stock Exchange continues to its downward decline since the full faith and credit of the US is no longer guaranteed thanks to a couple of wing nuts.

Obama, Total Loser? - Since Obama settled the debt ceiling issue by doing what he does best which is capitulate to GOP's demands making supporters wondering if really elected the second coming of Jimmy Carter. A lot of people who voted for him wonder at what point does he start fighting back against the Far Right. Therefore conventional wisdom which is all our fearless media really has to offer assumes Obama is perceived as weak therefore toast in 2012.

Obama, Zen Master? - Which is why the pajama pants punditry may be wrong as they usually are about most things. By letting the GOP hold the nation's economy hostage over the debt ceiling, Obama made them look absolutely batshit insane to the average voter. Richard Nixon once said that the key to winning an Federal election as a Republican was 'Run like hell to the right in the primaries, then run like hell to the center during the general election.' Combined with the Republicans behavior in Congress, the GOP Presidential field have run so far to the right they may have just driven any hope of winning 2012 off a cliff, let alone trying to make a left turn back to the main road. As master blogger Andrew Sullivan notes: 'Obama's core strength as a politician is getting his opposition to destroy itself.'

There is one idea that could regenerate jobs - Rearrange the corporate tax code so companies that keep good, high paying manufacturing jobs here pay no taxes while those who send jobs overseas but retain corporate offices Stateside get the full 30+% tax rate on profits.

Currently most of Apple's fancy little gadgets are made by cheap labor overseas, so they can make a 66% profit margin. Now if same production were done in the US, the profit margin would shrink to a measely 50%. The stumper here is why a 16% higher profit margin still can't buy Steve Jobs a better wardrobe beyond his omnipresent black shirt?

So what would it take for Apple to move production to America? Try tariffs on Apple's bottom line for every device shipped to the US from their overseas plant, while Apple's competitors who produce in the US would pay $0. Then Steve Jobs could create a new app for himself called iShouldProbablyRethinkMyBusinessModel.

Libya Gained Freedom and a Better Fashion Sense - The Arab Spring continued to roll along as Muammar (he actually liked to be called Larry) Gaddafi was ousted from power. In addition to a renewed hope for democracy, Libyans will undoutedly be getting a leader with a lot more style. Gaddafi dressed like he ruled, as a hot mess. He looked like Laurence of Arabia raided Elton John's closet.I mean when your despotic Head of State for an oil rich, vaguely terror supporting country you have to look like you at least put some thought into your wardrobe.

(Does this say fear my rule to you?)

Syria Though Only Has A Better Fashion Sense - In what might be the most tone-deaf, ill-timed, and possibly inappropriate magazine articles ever written. Vogue magazine featured a fashion spread and 3,000 glowing article about Asma Al-Assad. The wife of Bashar Al-Assad who is President of Syria and spent his Summer violently suppressing dissent in his country. This includes the torture, rape, and murder of a 12 year old son of a political dissident along with bombing unarmed civilians from planes that earned Al-Assad War Crimes charges by The UN Human Rights Tribunal. It says something when even Iran thinks you've gone too far, but to the editors of Vogue I guess it's all good as long as you look good doing it.

You Remember When We Were All Supposed To Die in May? - We all got a chcukle when the we were suppose to die on May 22nd, and nothing happened. There were a couple of serious consequences such as a few attempted suicides, a woman trying to drown her kids before the rapture, and retirees giving away their life savings to spread the message. I sort of felt sorry for those elderly true believers who basically got suckered, until I realized the main reason for doomsday prophesy was that gay marriage was now legal. Then I thought, 'Ah screw em. Serves them right for being that stupid'

You Remember all Those Warnings About Impact of Global Warming? - And a large segment of our population who don't believe in science along with all oil company executives sort of chuckled. But here's the funny part, this summer showed the ill effects from climate change might have already started. I always thought 'Global Weirding' was more appropriate term than 'Global Warming' because the changing environment was going to cause a lot of weird things to happen and our weather is starting to get wierd. Compare the predictions with what's actually been happening:

1.The interior of the US will become very hot and very dry - See Texas having over 100 days without rain and record high tempratures this Summer causing even camels in the Dallas Zoo to say 'fuck it's hot!'. And this part of much larger pattern of dry summers for Southwest over past few years.

2.There will be unbalanced distribution of rainfall across the US as some areas get drier, others get wetter - See New Jersey having over 30 inches of rain in August alone, when our yearly average is...42. At this rate a rainforest will sprouting up in our backyard and Newark will become the new Seattle

3.There will be more frequent and deadlier storms accross the country - See the tornadoes in Joplin, Missouri and Tuscaloosa, Alabama

4.The warming Ocean temprature will cause more frequent hurricanes - See Northeast US. One of the complaints about the Maryland, Delaware, and Jersey shores was the cold water did not make for good swimming. But it also served as a saving grace against hurricanes since they need warm tropical water to thrive and most stalled out by the Carolinas. Enter Irene who essentially fired a shot accross the region's bow. I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of these.

5.The Arctic Ocean will be ice free in summer by 2030 - See Russia and Exxon aggreeing to mineral rights and oil exploration in the Arctic Ocean since ice free Ocean waters tend to be convienant time to build oil rigs. Santa may need a houseboat instead of a Ginger Bread house.

Though the Biggest Agent for Change in Environmental Friendly Policies May Not Be Al Gore - Instead it will be the insurance industry. Claims from storm damage in the US have quadruppled since 1980. Which means premiums we pay on our home owners insurance have probably doubled whatever the size of that quadruple amount was. To the point now living in Florida is almost unaffordable and trailor parks in the Midwest might as well move underground.

Dick Cheney Wrote A Book To Apologize For Everything - Just kidding. Actually the Dark Sith Overlord and former shadow President Dearth Cheney (that's right I said it) essentially boiled it down to 'I did my way and if you don't like it then Go Fuck Yourself!.

Donald Rumsfeld Wrote a Book and Admitted He Screwed Up In Iraq - HA Just kidding Again! The memoir of former Defense secretary and all-around Mr.Warmth essentially said Iraq was everyone else's fault while throwing former Secretaries of State Colin Powell and Condeleeza Rice under the bus, then backing it up for good measure. This is sort of what a circular firing squad looks like.

How Empires Fall - Who knew that a 13 year-old murder victim in Britain could bring down the modern day version of Randolph Hearst? News Corp. CEO and Founder Lord Voldemort aka Rupert Murdoch is watching his media empire crumble after it revealed reporters from one his newspaper hacked into the phone of Sarah Payne and listen to messages for exclusives. When they erased messages to get more scoops it gave false hope to the family and police and potentially distracted them from finding the real killer.

And apparently this was standard practice throughout the UK as News Corp. reporters hacked the Royal Family, celebrities, soldiers killed in Afghanistan, Families of Victims of 7/7 London bombings, Across the pond here, News Corp. is being investigated by the FBI whether they hacked families of 9/11 victims. If this is proves true you may see the shitstorm of the Century and Murdoch's prized American media asset of Fox News will need a lot of umbrellas.

Quite possibly the greatest Out of Office message. EVER - Finally, Since Summer is the season of vacations, which means at offices everywhere it is the season of Out of Office notices. I present the greatest:

I am currently out of the office on vacation.

I know I’m supposed to say that I’ll have limited access to email and won’t be able to respond until I return — but that’s not true. My blackberry will be with me and I can respond if I need to. And I recognize that I’ll probably need to interrupt my vacation from time to time to deal with something urgent.

That said, I promised my wife that I am going to try to disconnect, get away and enjoy our vacation as much as possible. So, I’m going to experiment with something new. I’m going to leave the decision in your hands:

■If your email truly is urgent and you need a response while I’m on vacation, please resend it to interruptyourvacation@[redacted].com and I’ll try to respond to it promptly.
■If you think someone else at [the company] might be able to help you, feel free to email my assistant, and she’ll try to point you in the right direction.
· Otherwise, I’ll respond when I return…

Warm regards,

Josh



.

Wherein I attempt writing those GEICO Car Insurance 'Rhetorical Question' Commercials....

Disclaimer: This is no way a paid endorsement of GEICO insurance but rather a test if I can be funnier than their million dollar marketing team. Frankly if their lawyers read this I'll probably get slapped with a cease and desist letter so enjoy while you can!

When reading imagine Geico's commercials where the overly serious, hard-boiled spokesman with the raspy voice says his trademark line then turning toward the camera asks about some absurd rhetorical question followed by a comic segment depicting the answer to that question. Now here just visually plug in each scenario below after the trademark question....

'Could switching to GEICO really save you 15 percent or more on car insurance?.......

1)...Do members of N'SYNC have trouble getting phone calls returned by Justin Timberlake?'

(Scene: Lance Bass in kitchen on phone calling for Timberlake but can never seem to get past his Assistant)

Lance Bass: Tell JT It's Lance Bass...we were in N'SYNC together...what do you mean he's busy for the next 15 years...Well tell him we're getting boys together for a reunion tour....Well alright I guess I'll stay on hold...NO not Lance Armstrong...Lance Bass...(click, dial tone) ..Hello?...Hello?

2)...Would winning a bar fight with an Octopus be a difficult proposition?'

(Scene: Dive bar by a shipping harbor with drunken longshoreman sitting next to a large, grumpy looking Octopus smoking a pipe)

Shoreman: What the hell are you looking at slimebag?

(Octopus grabs Shoreman's hat with tentacle #1 and lifts it over his head playing keep away)

Shoreman: Hey you pile of blob, give me that

(Octopus proceeds to slap shoreman with tentacle #2...then tentacle #5...then tentacle #3..then tentacle #7...)

Shoreman: Fight like a man you spineless mullosc!

(Octopus lifts shoreman with two tentacles and throws him threw a window followed by a splash denoting he has fallen into the water)

3)...Is Mariah Carey's therapist underpaid?'

(Scene: Therapist's Office with Carey holding her little dog on couch while therapist sits in chair looking absolutely miserable)

Carey: I just don't how little Cindy Loo-Loo here just can't get along Fuzzy-Duck Mo-Mo. Reminds me of the time we went to hidden unicorn valley on Candycane mountain and you (pointing to the dog) Loo-Loo got all mad with Patty Prissypants....

(Pan camera to therapist sneaking a sip of presumably whiskey from a flask and putting his head in his hands)

4)...Was anyone really surprised Ricky Martin was gay?'

(Scene: Ricky Martin and his agent in outdoor cafe in Miami's South Beach)

Ricky: Tommy I have a secret...I'm gay
Agent: Really? (facial expression belying feigned shock)
Ricky: Wow! Are you surprised? I must have hid it pretty well, huh?
Agent: No, not really (facial expression disappears) Helen Keller could tell you were gay. I mean if this table is Gaydar, you are dead ahead at 12 o'clock.

5)...Would Dane Cook getting punched in the nuts be the funniest thing he'd ever done'

(Scene: Cook on stage telling some long-winded, supposedly amusing story about his life)

Cook: So I tell the McDonald's cashier what you mean can't I have breakfast past 10? Then I say well it's 10:02 and haven't you ever heard of the customer is always right..wait it gets better..

(Ghost of George Carlin appears and punches Cook square in family jewels. Pan out to Cook writhing in pain on stage as crowd gives loud uproar and standing ovation)

6)...Would calling a little person a midget get you a kick in the shins?'

(Scene: On city street in generic city with grown man climbing on top of car holding his presumably injured leg while trying to keep away from angry little person yelling at him)

Little Person: You wanna know where the Yellow Brick Road begins!? It starts with my foot mother(bleeper)...and you can follow it as it kicks your ass! C'mon big man I'll even show you where the Keebler elves reside. (picks up metal pipe and starts breaking the car windows...Police sirens in background)

7)...Does Kanye West have a God complex?'

(Scene: Interview in non-descript hotel room as part of some publicity tour)

West: You know growing up I thought I was the Son of God since all my rhymes are divinely inspired for the betterment of mankind. But then my Sunday school teacher broke the news..'Kanye, the Bible already tells us God already sent his only Son to save humanity...and he wasn't you!'

(Interviewer tries to get a word in but fails)

West: After getting thrown out of class for calling Father a (bleep)sucker I fell into a funk you know because this Jesus fellow stole my thunder. And everybody was all like 'Jesus this, Jesus that'. But let me ask you, how many hits has Jesus ever had...

(Interviewer tries to answer)

West: Zero. He turned water to wine but has he ever turned water into Cristal?

8)...Does passing gas then blaming it on invisible animals only work for so long with kids?'

(Scene: Living Room of typical Suburban home with Dad reading newspaper in Laz-Boy and two 9 year-olds, a boy and girl are playing video games)

Dad: (loud fart sound)
Girl: Dad!..That's Gross!
Dad: It wasn't me...it was that tiny pink Zebra under the end table. He's invisible because you can't see him (looks condescendingly back at paper with smirk)
Girl: Oh so maybe it was also an invisible giraffe that always tries on Mom's lipstick
Boy (laughing): Yeah and maybe it was that invisible Rhino that got all dressed up as a woman and went to hang out at the truck stop by the Interstate calling herself Rhonda
Dad: I don't know (looking increasingly embarrassed, sinking in chair, hiding behind paper)

(Girl turns up iPod to Aerosmith's 'Dude, Looks like a Lady' as both kids point and laugh)

How Much Of An A**hole Are You? A Fun Quiz : )

Since my work computer was being serviced all day by IT decided to make one of those quizzes we could actually use. For the following 12 questions answer Yes or No then add up all Yes responses to determine how much of an a**hole are you:

1. After Japan defeated the US to win the Women's World Cup, did you go on Chat forums and taunt their fans 'Yeah, but we got 2 World Cups and a World War...SCOREBOARD!'

2.Upon hearing Lamar Odom was involved in a car crash resulting in the fatality of a teenager, was your first thought 'Well, police can certainly rule out Lamar being distracted by Khloe Kardashian explaining nuclear physics'?

3.Think back in grade school while you were on a regular school bus and the short bus pulled alongside. There was always that one kid who noticed that A) kids on the short bus looked a little different and B) proceeded to make fun of those kids. Were you that kid?

4.Do a lot of your jokes start out with 'I'm not a racist but...' after looking around cautiously?

5.When Gary Coleman passed away, within 24 hours were you one of those people forwarding dead midget jokes via e-mail? (ie. They say death comes in 3's but Coleman's came in 2.5's)

6. Remember back to a commercial involving Med Alert in the late 80's and a certain iconic scene where an elderly woman on the floor screams 'I'VE FALLEN....AND I CAN'T GET UP!' Did that scene make you laugh? (Add 2 points if in general elderly ladies falling down is humorous to you)

7.Upon seeing Kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard interviewed after her 18 year ordeal, did she register high on your 'Inappropriate Hotness' scale leading you to mention that she's doable while at the Happy Hour with your co-workers?

8.Did you become a New York Yankees fan after 1996 or a Pittsburgh Steelers fan after 2005?

9.When someone shows you baby pictures of kid who's not so cute and her Mom asks if you think she's a pretty baby, did you ever reply 'Not really' (Add 2 points if you replied 'Now I know why Lions eat their young')

10.When walking through a big city and notice a Homeless person panhandling. Have you ever pretended to dig through your pockets to pull out some change only show an empty hand as a gag?

11. At a dinner party, the hostess mentions she's collecting donations for The Special Olympics. Do you attempt to make conversation by mentioning 'I really don't see what's so special about it since anyone can do those events?'

12. Read the following joke from comedian Louis CK then answer as to whether you were able to laugh without the slightest feeling of discomfort or guilt:
'My measure of a person's decency is how long they stopped masturbating after 9/11. For me it as after first tower fell but before the second one did'

Now add up all your Yes answers then check your score:

0 - You are a regular Mother Theresa loved by all living things, especially small children and furry animals

1 through 3: You are Christian Bale, an otherwise decent person but prone to occasional fits of assholishness. Usually your inner sphincter only comes as an angry response to other people like his infamous tirade on the set Terminator or as he would say 'OHHH Good for You!'

4 through 6: You are a Duke University graduate who tends to be a jerk-off by nature but like brilliant sociopaths can be charming when they have to be.

7 through 9: You are Labron James, a adolescent man-child whose assholishness is a unintentional consequence of having every need pandered to by others. He didn't mean to offend Cleveland with 'The Decision' as he was just unaware of other people's feelings. Or completely unaware other people existed period.

10 Or More: You are Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein and do not feel constrained to the rules and subtleties of human interaction. You don't need to observe the nicety's or civility normally required to gain favor or status in a social setting. Because you're Lloyd (bleepin) Blankfein and therefore don't have to. Exemplified last year at a Congressional Hearing when asked if he wanted to apologize for his company's role in blowing up the economy in 2008, he replied 'No. Not Particularly'. Judaism calls refers to this as Chutzpah or if you are Michele Bachmann it's called Choot-spa.

It's Time For NEW RULES!!!! (The 2011 Edition)

Yes this concept shamelessly stolen from Bill Maher but it's time for my NEW RULES

NEW RULE #1: Hair Metal Bands from the 80's have to stop blaming Nirvana for the genre's demise - This year marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana's landmark album Nevermind and undoubtedly there will be whining from aging metalheads blaming the band and subsequent Grunge movement that followed for spoiling the party. Actually heavy metal still lives, just in a different form without all the hairspray, gaudiness, and pleather pants (ie: Disturbed, Sevendust, etc.)

Sadly I'm old enough to remember the pre-Nirvana 90's pop music landscape which was a wasteland of aging 70's rock bands, hair metal, throwaway Pop stars, and clownish Hip-Hop acts. I can specifically recall the first time I listened to Smells Like Teen Spirit on the radio and it was the most refreshing thing I'd ever heard. Sort of the exhilarating feeling that must come after being stuck in a cramped closet with a chain smoker who never bathes but then someone unlocks the door providing an air freshener. Because by 1991 Hair Metal officially descended into self-parody with Warrant's Cherry Pie video. So if Nirvana didn't knock it off its pedestal, someone else surely would have.

NEW RULE #2: But since Grunge flamed out Axl Rose and Slash must reunite to save Rock N Roll - Apparently Maroon 5 and Five for Fighting are the supposed saviors of Rock? Umm no... more like saviors of Adult Contemporary. They basically are this generation's version of Peter Cetera and Chicago. My benchmark for whether music rocks is ask if you were a teenager would cranking it full blast in the car piss off your Mom. With this current crop your Mom would more likely be singing along instead of telling you to shut it off.

So in honor of the upcoming 25th anniversary of their debut album Appetite for Destruction, recorded on a 13 day cocaine/hooker/Jack Daniels fueled bender. I humbly ask surviving members of the ORIGINAL Guns N Roses lineup to save rock music from itself. If GN'R were around today and in prime form, the only reason they would show up on Americas Got Talent would be to burn down the studio and urinate on its ashes.

NEW RULE #3: People angry over Casey Anthony verdict need to realize 'CSI' and 'Law & Order' do not adequately reflect how our criminal justice system works - As much as I think Anthony is probably the Worst Person in the World and whom the gates of Hell cannot open fast enough. You cannot blame the jury because in a Capital Murder Case circumstantial evidence alone should not be enough to convict. Either Anthony is so diabolical she perpetrated one of the most brilliant cover-ups in history or simply the luckiest trailer trash mom alive. But without physical evidence linking her to the crime, the verdict is understandable though I wish they had voted split jury instead of acquittal so the not ready for prime time prosecution team would have a second shot.

If anyone wonders what the flipside to that coin is, take the case of the West Memphis 3 in Arkansas. Back in 1991 a trio of teenagers were convicted of murdering a little boy based solely on the evidence that they liked heavy metal, therefore they must worship Satan, and since one time they hung out in the woods where the boy was murdered it must surely be them. Never mind there was not one shred of physical evidence linking them to the crime. Today they along with far too many others sit on Death Row under questionable prosecution. If you want to get angry over injustice, start getting angry over that.

NEW RULE #4: Nancy Grace needs to STFU - Police in Florida might have been able to connect Anthony to the murder of her daughter via hard evidence had they been given more time and patience by the general public. But Grace and her $10 mall hair cut had to start a virtual lynch mob by playing judge, jury, and executioner creating a spotlight that made their jobs impossible. And why is it that Grace only seems concerned with blond, attractive, All-American girls who go missing? Considering girls and women who live in poor and minority areas tend to be at higher risk of falling prey to sexual violence and exploitation, how about someone advocating for them for a change.

NEW RULE #5: There needs to be a temporary embargo on the use of the word 'Really?' - Uh, Really? Yes, really. It's a clever device when used in response to witnessing a stunning display of ignorance, or something just plain bullshit stupid. But like TV show Glee, and singer Selena Gomez it might becoming a little too big for its own good. Therefore, I impose a one-year moratorium on its use to prevent overuse. Sort of like fishing quotas. In its place is the always acceptable 'Are you (bleeping) kidding me?'

NEW RULE #6: There also needs be a five year embargo on movies based on a comic book - Or a classic but underrated 80's movie, or popular childhood toys from the 80's, or a popular 70's TV show, or a video game, or a Japanese horror film, or a prequel to the last sequel of an already existing superhero movie franchise, or a reimage of a superhero movie done just 15 years ago, or a spin-off of a minor character from a superhero movie, or based on the concept of Superhero X meets Superhero Y, or any superhero movie where the marketing campaign for collectible action figures sold in fast food restaurants came before the writing of the actual script.

NEW RULE #7: Victims of Bernie Madoff must stop complaining - For the most part I don't feel bad for the vast majority of them since for over 20 years while the stock market fluctuated like a rollercoaster, they got magical 5% returns seemingly every month. And not once did they ever bother to question if that was even statistically possible or perhaps something fishy might be going on. Which made them Wall Street's favorite kind of combination in a client: Greedy and Dumb.

Madoff's victims really can't claim collectively of getting bilked out of $40 Billion since they never really had that money to begin with. And considering the court appointed trustee on the case has recuperated $3 Billion dollars to spread among just a few thousand people in compensation. I'd say they made out pretty good, which is a lot more than the average American can say about their life savings after the Financial crisis occurred.

NEW RULE #8: Twitter must idiot-proof the service for pro-athletes, celebrities, and politicians - You know that device on internet log in pages called 'captcha', the squiggly letters or numbers you have to enter before it can be submitted? I'm thinking something along those lines for celeb tweets. Things like 'Hey there sports star, are you sure calling your boss a greedy Jew will really help you get that contract extension?' or 'Hey teen idol, are you sure the Disney home office will like that twit pic of your breasts?' or 'Hey Senator, we noticed someone is trying to send a profile picture of a penis to some 19 year-old. Surely, that wouldn't be YOURS, right?'

NEW RULE #9: Celebrities need to refrain from giving out parenting advice - Oh how cute, some A-List movie or TV star had a baby! And to listen to them gush and gleam over every little burp and bowel movement you'd think they were the first woman ever in the history of human beings to have a baby. Glad to hear celebmoms are happy but the rest of us parents living in the real world really don't want to hear it. I'm guessing a JLo, or a Katie Holmes, or a Kate Hudson never had to run out at 2 in the morning to find a 24 hour pharmacy because the kid has 103 temp, or trek through a snowstorm to get diapers, or dole out the equivalent of a mortgage for daycare. Not saying celebs don't love their kids, but really what can someone with a staff of nannies really say that's useful to anyone.

NEW RULE #10: During political arguments, combatants can no longer call their opponet a Nazi - Last I checked reforming healthcare, raising taxes on the rich, or reforming Social Security does not make somebody a Nazi. That label should be reserved for really specific instances like perpetrating a mass genocide against a religous or ethnic group, and attempting to install worldwide Fascism through military invasion of peaceful countries. Calling my HR Rep a Nazi for warning me about photocopying my ass (I'm speaking hypothetically of course) is a false equivalency which minimalizes the true atrocities inflicted by them and undermines why they should always be loathed. So lets relagete Nazism should to the two places it belongs, the scrapheap of history and Glenn Beck's closet.

NEW RULE #11: The Religous Right needs to go away - I certainly believe religion of any kind has a right to participate in the public square of ideas and civil discourse. But the problem I have with the Religous Right who basically are a fringe minority of Christians is that they disproportionately dominate the attention around election time. Their pet peeves like abortion, stem-cell research, and Gay marriage have no consequence on the future of this country. Yet these issues always suck out the oxygen of every Presidential election and divide people unnecessarily while preventing the real important issues from being debated.

The Religous Right are sort of like that crazy Aunt every family seems to have, who people try to ignore, but because she has money, you can't call her crazy, but 'eccentric'. And at family dinners, everyone squirms while the Aunt spoutsoff her paranoid, delusional theories about everything but especially sex. And because the Religous Right seem to have money and influence they have lately been pushing some very 'eccentric' legislation in State Legislatures accross the country. A sampling:

1.Elimination of No Fault Divorce Laws, virtually forcing unhappy couples to stay married unless someone cheated or got abused (Kansas, North Dakota)
2.Making women who've had miscarriages show evidence to law enforcement that it wasn't an illegal abortion (Georgia)
3.Overturning US Supreme Court case Griswold vs. Connecticut which established the right of married couples to use contraception and establishes the right to marital privacy (Alabama)

These aren't just creepy, they go against the ideals of individual freedom this country was founded on.

AND FINALLY NEW RULE #12 - True Education Reform starts with holding teachers accountable to teach....
But also includes holding students accountable to actually learn what is being taught and to put down the God Damn video game and do their homework.

It also includes holding parents accountable for ensuring that their kid comes to school ready, willing, and able to learn.

It also includes holding school adminstrators accountable for ensuring a environment where kids who want to learn can learn, and jerk-offs who bully and disrupt get sent home for an ass-beating.

It also includes holding school boards accountable for making sure education is their priority and not simply a stepping stone for furthering their own political careers.

It also includes holding communities accountable to see that its schools are adequately funded and equipped so that learning may take place.

And while on were on the subject of communities, maybe ornery, cranky Senior citizens could vote for a school levy once in awhile. Seeing as previous generations gave their kids that courtesy when they were in school, perhaps this crop of Elderly could extend the same courtesy to the next generation.

It also includes holding University and college Presidents accountable to keep higher education affordable and attainable for qualified students from average, working families while not saddling them with six figure debt for the good portion of their adult lives.

It also includes holding the media accountable to get away from pushing the pop culture notion that being smart is uncool because being considered a nerd isn't the worst thing that can happen at age 13.

It also includes holding State and Federal lawmakers accountable for overseeing an educational system that focuses kids on being ready for a 21st Century economy where the US must compete with cheap labor oversees and we no longer have the edge in technological advancement. You know a public education system that produces adults who are thinkers, doers, leaders, dreamers, go-getters, boundary-breakers, and optimists.

Because in areas where bad schools exist the future generation is gonna need to be all that to clean up the mess made when too many grown-ups of all stripes at some point stopped caring about the quality of education in their community. While there are bad schools, there are indeed just as many if not more good schools out there. What separates the good from the bad is whether the surrounding community as a whole values education or not.

I actually think overall our schools are doing a good job, but like a lot of things in this country we could do better. But simply making teachers the enemy for all its shorfalls really masks the larger societal factors that are bringing down the quality of our kids' education. What's really sinking education in this country is the gradual loss of a sense of the common good replaced by a selfish, narcissistic, me-first mentality.

Oh and one last thing. Be wary of education 'reformers' who want to completely overhaul the entire system (coughs under breath Michelle Rhee). The risk of giving them full control of our education is sort of like paying a carpenter to rearrange the Living Room and they instead bulldoze the house.

Katy Perry Tour Demands, Freaky Statistics, and Absurdity of Work E-mail Disclaimers

American Lexicon Update: The word Pippa'd
Meaning: (Verb) To inadvertently upstage or steal the show

Origin: When Pippa Middleton appeared as head bridesmaid at the Royal wedding of her sister Kate in a white dress that was so hot it completely shifted the focus and attention to her in all the fashion mags. To the point where Pippa's derriere got its own Twitter following and even gay men replying 'Yep, I'd tap that'

Example Use In a Sentence: 'Angelina Jolie Pippa'd Winona Ryder in the movie Girl, Interrupted to win an Oscar'

Freaky Statistics, Part 1 - With the death of pro wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage, this means of the 51 wrestlers who competed at Wrestlemania in 1991, 14 are now dead for a mortality rate of 25%. By comparison all but 2 of the 42 pro boxers who competed in the top level around the same time are alive (5% mortality rate). And all 99 participants in Super Bowl 25 that same year are still alive. Though Buffalo Bills fans probably wish that kicker Scott 'Wide Right' Norwood were dead (0.5% mortality rate).

Freaky Statistics, Part 2 - According to a Pew Survey, only 7% of Americans approve of marital infidelity, while a slightly higher number 11% approve of polygamy. And the Mormon Church was afraid the show 'Big Love' would ruin their reputation.

Freaky Statistics, Part 3 - Kim Kardashian's fiancee New Jersey Nets benchwarmer Kris Humphries evidently had good reason to put a ring on it. Previous ahtletes who dated Kardashian, Reggie Bush of the Saints and Miles Austin of the Cowboys saw susbstantial drop-off in performance after they dumped Kim proving there may be something magical about that ass.

Bush with Kim in 2009: 725 yards, 8 touchdowns and a Super Bowl ring.
Bush after Kim in 2010: 150 yards, 1 touchdown and stripped of Heisman Trophy.

Austin before Kim in 2009: 1,320 yards, 11 touchdowns, Playoffs
Austin after Kim in 2010: 1,041 yards, 7 touchdowns, No Playoffs

Pardon Me While I Try Find a One Shred of Sympathy - One third of all Law School graduates from 2009 are still unemployed and those who do find a job are making only half what new law firm hires would have made five years ago. For decades people have argued there are too many lawyers in this country and the recession may have proven them right. Most lawyering is basically writing letters and filling out forms, and many firms recently discovered that for the cost of one young attorney's four martini power lunch at Morton's Steakhouse, most of it can be outsourced to India for a week's worth of work.

FUN BONUS LAWYER JOKE: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? The hooker stops screwing you after you're dead.

Merry Christmas, Late Night Talk Show Hosts and Comedians Everywhere! - A congressman with last name of Weiner got into sex scandal! It's almost as if the jokes write themselves. Now mind you I have no problem with my elected officials being sexual deviants because all of us got that Rick James freakiness inside and even politicians deserve to indulge that side a little bit. So long as they're honest about it. (see post about Italian Prime Minister below)

As much as I loathe the conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart who broke the story and consider him a raging, pus-filled hemorrhoid on the ass of the American body politick, he is right. What took down Weiner was not picking up chicks on Twitter but lying about it. Because politicians doing hanky panky outside their marriage become corruptible, susceptile to blackmail and therefore compromised. So Mr.Weiner as much good as you did, you had to go.

But since the DC Beltway Political Pundits Got It Wrong for the 24,516th Time - So here's the real story within the story. When Congressman Weiner wasn't sending out pictures of his weiner to college coeds and porn stars on Twitter he actually was onto something important. He was investigating Supreme Court justice Clerance Thomas and whether he should recuse himself in the event the Healthcare Reform Law goes before the court. Because his teabagger wife Ginnie has personally benefitted financially to the tune of $700,000.

And Weiner subsequently discovered at least three instances where Thomas received speaking fees and other compensation from political organizations only to turn around and rule favorably for their side when cases they had stake in came before the court. Something that could be impeachable. So if the Beltway chattering class could stop snickering long enough for having to use the word penis in a sentence and ask: Was Weiner especially targeted by conservative bloggers to discredit his investigation of Thomas?

FUN BONUS FACT: Since being sworn in to Supreme Court in 2009, Justice Sonia Sotomayor has asked more follow-up questions of attorneys during hearings in one year, then Thomas has throughout his entire Supreme Court career spanning more than 20 years.

So the lesson from Weinergate kids is - If an Internet picture is going to ruin your promising political career at least go down in a blaze of glory. Have something like you snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass while several trannie Guatemalan dwarves dressed as Oompa Loompa costumes attend to your foot fetish. May not be able to wonder the halls of Congress but it probably gets your own reality TV show.

In Italy perhaps the Greatest Newspaper Headline, EVER! - Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi is now facing allegations of having an affair with a 17 year old Egyptian belly dancer. The major news daily in Rome basically yawned with this headline 'Ci Risimo con la gnocca?' which translates to 'Again With the Pussy?' Burlesconi is a man who when asked by journalists years ago about allegedly having over a hundred sexual partners while in office chided them...because he felt they undercounted and should be credited with at least a thousand. (Yep he actually said that) Anyone starting to think we Americans are a tad too uptight about sex?

Katy Perry Tour Rider Revealed - Website TheSmokingGun.com managed to obtain a 24 page tour rider for Perry's upcoming tour and found outrageous demands such as the driver of her limousine 'shall, never make eyer contact with artist' and..'room shall be draped in cream or soft pink plus needs to be outfitted with two cream-colored egg chairs." But most important “ABSOLUTELY NO CARNATIONS” bolded and underlined in the contract. This has some of her fans put off thinking perhaps she's not really down to Earth. Begging the question, Perry shoots whip cream from her breasts in one of her videos, why would she?

Absurdity of backstage demands is measured by the 'Van Halen-No Brown M&Ms in the Candy Jar Scale of Rock Star Excess'. With 10 being Guns N' Roses who abruptly canceled shows at the last minute because backstage did not have right kind of champagne or something, subsequently causing large riots (Montreal and St.Louis 1992, Germany 1993). And 0 being The Jonas Brothers becoming slightly agitated when they got 2% instead of Skim Milk. Perry ranks a 4, sort of in the Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston circa 1992 prior to marrying Bobby Brown category.

Kidnappers Aren't What They Used To Be - Recently police in Devonshire England broke up a kidnap and ransom plot for Joss Stone. A decent but largely unheard of neo Blues, Jazz pop singer and at $2 million dollars ransom, the best her record companies could do would have been about $5 and a signed CD. I've always felt in terms of criminality kidnapping really does not have a good return on investment as say being a drug kingpin or a mafia boss or being Bill Gates. But if you must kidnap at least consider risk versus reward and aim high. For a $2 million ransom I'd kidnap Justin Bieber and threaten to shave off his head. And show them you're serious with a picture of a electric hair clipper next to a tied up Bieber with the note 'The money tomorrow or the mop top gets it!'

The US Debt Crisis Explained - Sometime in August, the US will reach the debt ceiling or limit, the amount of money outstanding the Federal Gov't can legally borrow at one time causing default on its monthly payment back to creditors if its not raised by Congress. Consequently, one of two things will happen, either a debt collector calling themselves 'Rhonda' from The Bank of China will call Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asking when they can expect payment. Or a complete Worldwide economic calamity will ensue because the full faith and credit of US Treasury Bills is no longer backed up.

To help explain the why were in this situation, imagine President Obama, and House Speaker John Boehner as kids in a pre-school working on a group project together to build a house with popcycle sticks which is our economic recovery supported by a yard which is the Federal budget. Obama (who we'll call Barry) is gluing the sticks and asks Boehner (we'll call him Johnny) for some more glue to finish the project. Johnny replies not until you cut out some of the cardboard paper on the bottom which serves as the lawn. Barry says no we can't do that or else the house will fall over. So Johnny gets mad but instead of crying like usually does, he goes over to the stove, turns on the gas, picks up a match and threatens to light it if he doesen't get what he wants. That's what the debt ceiling negotiations are now about. While we can all agree large deficits and Gov't overspending are bad, let's hope Congressional leaders can act like adults instead of children.

End of an Era, Part 1 - Oprah finished off her show after 25 years and a career resulting in Baby Boomer Narcissism reaching epidemic proportions. Since everybody is contemplating their favorite moments. Here was mine. I was in a auto repair waiting room back in 2001 when 4:00pm struck and the first chords of her theme song began. Filled with terror, I was about to panic when suddenly a news break interrupted about a dire tornado warning in the area and we were in grave danger. This gave me great relief and joy knowing I would not be held captive to watch her show.

End of an Era, Part 2 - Mary Hart retired after 29 years as host of Entertainment Tonight, a show that along with Wheel of Fortune was major contributor to the dumbmification of America. Like Oprah everybody is contemplating their favorite moments. Here was mine. In 1996, after walking out of the Will Smith movie Independence Day because it sucked worse than a Paul Reiser sitcom the day before. I sat in a dentist's office waiting room forced to observe an interview between Hart and Smith and began feeling a severe migraine which was actually intellectual rot taking hold in my brain when salvation came in the form of a revelation. That a show like ET wasn't really news journalism but merely a PR tool created by a consortium of Hollywood Studios to slyly promote new movies, albums, etc. Developing this kind of critical thinking propelled me to graduate college two years later.

Absurdity of Work E-Mail Disclaimers - We've all seen them. Those ridiculous disclaimers at the bottom of workplace e-mails that take up half the message. Here's is a decoding of what the disclaimers really mean.

What It Says
"This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error, you may not read it. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee you should not read, disseminate, distribute, or copy this email."


What It Really Means
"This disclaimer has no legal relevance in court so feel free to ignore it. If this e-mail wasn't for you to read because it was not intended for you why wouldn't they put it first instead of last after you've already read it? If we were smart we'd install have some log-in or encryption device accesible to the intended person only. Or that thing the CIA does where it self-destructs in 15 seconds.

Because if this e-mail wasn't intended for you and it contained something scandalous like a picture of the CEO is boinking his assistant or criminal detailing a massive conspiracy to commit business fraud. The e-mail would be considered evidence and admissable in court thus inconsequential as to whomever received it. In reality these exist because the life of a corporate lawyer is fairly boring so we spent weeks devising this one little paragraph to make us seem relevant to upper management. We really wish someone would sue us so we'd have have an excuse to talk to that hot brunette over in Human Resources"