THE 2009 ROSSY AWARDS!!!!!

About a decade and a half ago I created these awards for my fraternity to honor the best of our drunken, disorderly, and dumb moments. Boy has this taken a life of it's own since leaving college. Ladies and gents time to hand out this year's Rossy's:

The Best Moment of Sheer, Unadulterated Stupidity – A mugger managed to pick the absolute wrong place, person, and time to try an armed robbery. The place was the Harrisburg PA Convention Center men’s restroom, the person was an an off-duty cop and the time was a weapons expo for SWAT Team and Undercover Police from around the country. Although the mugger managed to get the wallet, the getaway path meant getting through 300+ cops. Needless to say said robbery attempt did not end well.

The 'Fly the Friendly Skies' Award – Over 30 passengers on a flight from Havana,Cuba to London were arrested for drunken disorderly conduct after turning the cross-Atlantic trip into the party of the year. Among the facebook picture worthy highlights included a drunken female trying to open the Main door of the airplane at 30,000 feet, beverage cart racing in the aisles, and practicing for emergency landing with no clothes.

Home Depot Do-It-Yourself Award – Sheriff’s deputies in Iowa discovered an interesting front porch addition to an abandoned house consisting of a stuffed deer carcass posed as it we're waving....that had been dressed up as a circus clown....complete with clown makeup. Actual quote from the Sheriff’s office “We don’t know who put it there or how it got there, and frankly we really don’t want to know’.

The Happy Hour lasted an hour too long award – In Japan, Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa before appearing in a televised press conference about the impact of the global financial crisis, found the best way to alleviate his Nation’s anxiety…by getting so hammered he nearly puked midway through event while slurring most of his answers. Based on Nakagawa's observations, Wall Street analysts advised clients to drink a six pack of Schlitz beer before opening their investment statements.

The best moment you didn’t see on Antiques Road Show – An elderly woman who bought an antique vase from a Goodwill Store in Ohio found an added bonus tucked away inside in the form of marijuana with a street value of $1,500. In possibly related news, tabloids are reporting Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson had become avid antique vase collectors.

The best video you didn’t see on YouTube – Formula 1 racing President and formerly respected Euro businessman Max Mosely may have provided the sex scandals to end all sex scandals which BBC News described using these phrases in the same sentence: video tape, S&M dungeons, dominatrixes wearing Nazi uniforms, Halocaust reenactment orgy, and strap-on dildos.

The best political moment you didn’t see on Meet the Press – While campaigning as a candidate for Georgia Governor, Neal Horsely managed to short circuit his political career in the span of about 30 seconds, when he revealed in a radio interview that his first sexual experience was with a mule on the family farm. Political pundits of all stripes agree that the old joke about Georgia ‘where men are men, and the sheep are scared’ probably needed amending.

The Best Riot (not involving European Soccer Fans) – Normally the idea of a family feud invoked the classic 70's game show whereby wholesome families engaged in friendly competition guessing survey responses while host Richard Dawson hit on the hot wives on the show. But two neighboring clans in the rural Northeast corner of Alabama decided to play the feud old school style involving 180 people fighting with 2x4’s, lead pipes, chains, and pet rattlesnakes. Forcing a large portion of the Alabama State Police to intervene presumably without the charm of Richard Dawson and prizes involving an eyeful of tear gas.

Best Fight (Drinking and/or Cocaine Use Category) – Vince Schlomi (aka ‘The ShamWow Guy’) had his meteoric rise in the ‘As seen on TV’ commercial circuit derailed after being arrested for a fistfight with a hooker at a Miami hotel while celebrating New Year’s. Evidently the fight started when Schlomi became slightly annoyed after said hooker tried to rip out his tongue with her teeth. The district attorney won’t comment if Schlomi offered to throw in a set of free ShamWow towels when he negotiated price for the hooker's services.

Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category) – Guns N’ Roses lead singer Axl Rose did his best Sean Penn impersonation by getting into fistacuffs with paparazzi at LAX airport in Los Angeles. According to eyewitnesses Rose became enraged after one of the photogs asked for their money back after buying GNR's new album ‘Chinese Democracy’.

The Eliot Spitzer Award for Best Use of a Prostitute – Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi was embarrassed when pictures surfaced of him and very young nude women partying at his villa on the island of Sardinia who depending which story you believe we’re either a) local escorts or b) nude models interested in Silvio’s views on foreign policy. Silvio nonetheless proved to be a master politician by turning the tables and chastising the media for the audacity of suggesting that a handsome, charming gentleman like himself actually had to pay for sex when clearly no woman could resist him (Yep, he actually said that). When asked for reaction Bill Clinton replied ‘damn he’s good’.

The Bernie Madoff (formerly Enron) Award - A lot of people will fib a little on tax returns to get a little extra in tax refunds but devious mastermind Marlon Moore took it to a whole new level. On his 2008 tax return Moore tried to list his tax refund due as $15 Trillion dollars...yes that's Trillion with a capital 'T'. This stroke of criminal genius worthy of Lex Luthor was tripped up by one small overlooked detail: The US Gov't on average 'only' takes in $2 Trillion in tax revenues, so theoretically Moore should been able to bankroll the entire country. While Federal judge complimented his ambition all Moore got for his troubles was 2 years in prison and the Price is Right loser song...'Bum bum bum bum bum.......ahhhhhhh'

The Bobby Knight Anger Management Award – Two cops in Aurora, CO we’re suspended after they pulled their loaded guns on the cashier of a McDonald’s drive-through to make a point about hurrying their lunch order after becoming furious with the delay. No word, if said officers ever had any similar history of losing their temper, particularly after McDonald's stopped selling the McRib sandwich. No word if this tactic could be considered useful for putting the ‘Jiffy’ in getting a Jiffy express oil change.

The Best ‘DOWT!’ Moment of 2009 – Before a routine public hearing in the California State Legislature, Assemblyman Michael Duvall was making small talk by bragging about a sexual threesome encounter he had over the Weekend. The funny part of the story was his microphone was turned on allowing the entire conversation to heard by everyone in the room including news media. Besides getting in trouble with Mrs.Duvall, he now faces ethics investigation because the two participants of said menage-a-trois we're actually lobbyists for a utility company, and Duvall's primary responsibility at that public hearing dealt with....wait for it....not yet.....regulating utility companies.

The Honorary Ashton Kutcher Punk’d Award – In Cardiff, Wales official city coroner John Phillips reportedly was considered a really fun guy who never let the fact that he worked in a morgue stop the good times.

According to testimony in his misconduct trial, Phillips allegedly loved practical jokes, such as posing bodies as staff members, replacing people’s lunch with internal organs or hiding under sheets to scare unknowing colleagues. Sadly the hijinks came to an end when Phillips and his staff were observed having a water balloon fight in the morgue while family members came to identify a body. He was able to keep his job though his future career move as the next Buddy Hackett will have to wait.

Rossy Award Hall of Fame inductee for 2009 – A man in Cairns, Australia was arrested for repeatedly breaking into local sex shops to have intimate relations with expensive blow-up dolls then putting them back in the box. Allegedly these crimes of passion came to the attention of shop proprietors after several customers complained of 'used' merchandise.

Once police we’re able to stop laughing long enough, they caught the 'gangster of inflatable love' by reviewing surveillance tapes and performing DNA testing. Criminologists debated whether the most disturbing aspect of the case were really the spurned customers who had no shame to actually return the dolls.

Tiger Woods, Racist Gnomes, and the Lifetime Movie script generator

Germany bans Racist Gnomes – A souvenir gift company has been forced by the German gov’t to stop selling yard gnomes that have the cute feature of doing a facist Nazi salute. Guess it’s worth noting the ‘Travelocity Roaming Gnome’ still has yet to feature Israel in the advertisements. I never trusted those little bastards.

Jon Gosselin appearance fee – Since this is the saga that will never end, news leaked that Jon Gosselin charges upwards of $10,000 for personal appearance fees. I wonder if there’s a chance if I break open my 401K that I can pay him for a disappearance fee to just go away?

Prop 8 Defense FAIL – Lawyers defending the California ban on gay marriages known as Prop 8 in Federal Appeals Court based their argument that gay marriage would erode traditional society. When pressed by the Appeals judge to provide specific evidence or actual proof, the defense could not provide any examples. So essentially the argument that gay marriage will destroy society looks like this:
Step 1 – Allow Gay Marriage
Step 2 - ?
Step 3 - ?
Step 4 – Society goes to hell in a handbasket

Album Release FAIL - I'm not a music industry expert, but I'm guessing releasing the new album from Chris Brown tentatively titled 'What an a**hole' so soon after being convicted of assaulting former girlfriend Rihanna may not be a good call. The only way Brown's career goes any further in the toilet is if a video comes out of him making fun of the Special Olympics or kicking a puppy. At this point you might want to wait until that dark cloud has cleared, like sometime between eternity and never.

Finally, an opponent Tiger Woods can’t beat – Apparently one sandtrap Tiger Woods can’t play his way out of is getting caught cheating by a golf club wielding wife and being making a clean getaway in a Cadillac Escalade. This episode helped usher the end of journalism with respected outlets from the mainstream media having to cite gossip trash site tmz.com as a source. Though, ESPN SportsCenter kept it in proper perspective by analyzing whether Wood's wife should have used the driver instead of the three-iron when whacking Tiger.

NFL Red Zone Channel = Gambler’s Dream – The Red Zone Channel from the NFL Network which shows live games where a team is about to score a touchdown is the most watched pay channel on cable TV for the Fall during Sundays. Undoubtedly aided by the gamblers with money on the games along with the bookies who will be coming to collect said money from said gambler.

A quick note on celebrity sex tapes - If said tape is of a celebrity whose main claim to fame is reality TV, than it's not a celebrity sex tape but rather just porn. Thank You.

The latest Barack Obama conpsiracy theory - Right wing blogger sites and at least one GOP congressman are claiming Obama's speech about Afghanistan was a deliberate attempt to destroy Christmas. Because the prime time speech pre-empted the Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Special.

Dick Cheney can shut up anytime now - Watching old man Cheney criticize Obama for 'dithering' about handling Iraq and Afghanistan is sort like an arsonist criticizing how the Fire Department put out the fires he started. Plus, we all would have appreciated if Lil Bush had 'dithered' about whether it was good idea to invade Iraq in the first place.

Nicholas Cage is apparently broke - Remember when Nic Cage was considered an trailblazing, avant garde actor who was going to torch the screen with intense performances that promised to usher in an era of exciting, ground-breaking, independent cinema? Neither do I.

Italians object to new MTV Show - The latest MTV faux reality show The Jersey Shore with the tagline 'detailing the life of rich Jersey guidos!' (they're term not mine) is the low rent East Coast alternative to The Hills which validates our decision not to visit the Jersey Shore anywhere north of Point Pleasant. Essentially the show "documents" the adventures of a group of Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, Italian males whose main goal in life appears to be getting drunk and having sex without the hassle and burden of holding a job or going to college while at their parent's shorehouse.

This has several Italian organizations up in arms saying it unfairly depicts stereotypes of Italians. In defense of the show, it's not saying all Italians are 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos'. But rather that 'Gucci loving, gold chain wearing, spiked hair, obnoxious, spoiled, guidos' who some reason all seem to congregate in the North Jersey coastal towns just happen to be Italian.

Sarah Palin goes rogue......on reality - Within days of the release of Sarah Palin's 400 page exercise in axe grinding disguised as a autobiography, the Associated Press managed to point out at least 30 instances in the book that we're certified as untrue by a powerful analytic device known as objective reality.

Money quote: 'Palin was never one to let little things like facts or reality get in the way of a good bout of paranoia' Roy Sekoff, political editor of Huffington Post

Lifetime Movie Script Generator – Having been unable to ban the Lifetime Movie Channel from my house, I asked the question of how they produce so many movies of such…uhh…quality. I think I figured out the formula.

Part 1: A Woman (insert any B-list, washed up TV actress) who can be typecast as (choose among Student/Single Mother/Jilted Wife/Emotionally Needy Daughter/Tori Spelling/some combo of all of the above)

Part 2: Falls in love with a Man who on the surface appears to be (insert Handsome/Rich/Nice Guy/Perfect Stepdad/Regular Joe/Prince Charming/Rob Lowe)

Part 3: and after a brief, contrived, mostly unbelievable courtship, woman falls in love (insert generic, clique 'dating' scenes featuring actors pretending to enjoy each other's company). If low on budget insert stock footage from Hallmark card, dating site, or jewelry commercial.

Part 4: However man gradually reveals himself to be a (choose from Psycho/Serial Killer/Already Married/Abusive/Escaped Con/Cross-Dresser/Running from Mob(and/or Law)/Rob Lowe)

Part 5: which leads to the main plot where woman must resolve dilemma by (choose Run From/Hide From/Turn into Police/Kill/show Rob Lowe tape of his acting) the Man in order return to a normal life of presumably talking somebody’s ear off.

The Real Meaning behind New Jersey Election since the 'political pundits' get it wrong...AGAIN

Undoubtedly if you listen to all the 'Political Pundits' who apparently know everything this week, you'll have the impression that the NJ gubernatorial election was this big referendum on the Obama presidency and healthcare reform. Given all of the blovating and hyperventilating from the DC correspondants that because NJ and Virginia we're won by the GOP, one could assume that conventional wisdom signals doom and gloom for Obama'a agenda.

So allow me to do David Gregory's job for a moment and lay out the real deal:
Obama won the state in 2008 by 57% and guess where his approval rating currently stands at: 57% (Gallup Polling)

Huh, so clearly not about Obama so here are the top 5 reasons Corzine the incumbent Democrat lost:
1. The state has been perpetually broke since 2004, and every year around summertime, the State legislature does this Kabuki dance around 'Ahh, we have no money, what shall we do?' Corzine's response: 'Oh lets raise income and sales taxes and raise fees on everything from driver's licenses to home phone use, but just this once.

So the state was like your deadbeat cousin who always borrowed money and never paid it back. Every time the same, 'Oh it will be the last time I promise' line.

2. New Jersey is possibly the most corrupt state in the country behind Louisiana, where here 'pay to play' is actually still LEGAL. In most states you go to prison for it. Thus the annual budget woes stems from money disappearing down questionable black holes littered around state gov't without any accountability or transparency. Corzine response to reform consisted of two parts: Jack and Squat, much to the delight of Tony Soprano types in North Jersey.

3. Corzine ran radio ads making fun of his opponent's weight which even by Jersey standards was considered a low blow.

4. Before his illustrious career in politics, Corzine was CEO of Goldman-Sachs which was one of the Wall Street architects of the sub-prime mortgage calamity that has hit Jersey hard. So combine increasing property taxes with decreasing home values and foreclosures and you have the perfect storm of taxpayer anger.

Didn't help Corzine's response was one of the dumbest moves in state political history. He cancelled the Property Tax Rebate that many lower and middle income families came to rely on, so he could balance the budget.....again. And when did rebates normally get paid out? In October, two weeks before election day. Forest Gump could tell you that was along the highest order of stupidity.

5. Corzine was flat out a lousy governor. Period.

I wish Governor Elect Christie the best of luck, though realistically we're probably swapping out one corrupt bastard for another. Though because New Jersey is actually a decent state to live in despite it's poitical leaders, I'll hold out hope. That and moving to Delaware or Pennsylvania is always an option.

How 'The Brady Bunch' explains the 2009 World Series

If anyone wants to see what the World’s largest inferiority complex looks like when unleashed, tune into the World Series when Philly hosts the Yankees. If you thought Philly fans booing Santa Claus was bad, just wait until A-Rod gets introduced to the Phils faithful. That’s because the relationship between New York and Philadelphia is a volatile, complex, highly psychological one that can best be described through everyone’s favorite 70’s sitcom ‘The Brady Bunch’.

Think of New York as Marcia Brady, the popular oldest sister who everyone loves, succeeds at everything she does, and is quite possibly the most important person in her high school, if not the World. Think of Philadelphia as Jan Brady, the oft-forgotten middle sister, who is barely noticed and whatever she does will always get upstaged by Marcia. You have to feel bad for Philly, the way we always felt bad for Jan. Despite having World-Class history, culture, museums, universities, and restaurants, Philly always..always..plays second fiddle to New York’s glamour, excitement, and bustle. If you want proof, just ask 10 people you know if they could take an all-expenses trip to either New York or Philly, which one would they choose? You’ll get the idea.

So here we are getting ready to start the World Series, as the Phillies are the defending champs with a team that may even be better than last year. But alas, what does the Nat’l Sports Media obsess and drool over….the Yankees. They’re more interested in the jock strap Derek Jeter will wear, than who the Phillies will have in their starting rotation. The Phillies playoff games we’re moved to afternoons, so the Yankees could occupy Prime time. To listen to Philly sports fans complain about this smacks of: “why is it always about Marcia….Marcia, Marcia,Marcia!”

Thus the 2009 World Series is not merely a baseball contest between two cities that are a mere 70 miles apart, but rather a chance for the urban equivalent of Jan Brady to finally stick it to Marcia and erase nearly 200 years of second city syndrome. Because like any complex sibling relationship, the younger sibling became defined by the older, often through sports competition. So as New York teams won championship after championship, Philly fans we’re usually left to stew in sports mediocrity, perfectly defined by the Andy Reid era Eagles. A team good enough to make the Super Bowl, but not quite good enough to win...like the say the New York Giants two years ago.

The sad irony, is even if the Phillies do win, most people in New York won’t care because…well they’re New York..because they’re important with being home to the World’s financial markets and epicenter of all things important to planet Earth. If you don’t believe me just ask a native New Yorker, they’ll gladly tell you.

Prediction: Phillies in 7, and ESPN will still focus on which Hollywood starlet Johnny Damon is boinking at the moment.

Another Early Comedy Writing Sample

This could be considered another gem I pulled out of my early 'portfolio' or it could be considered more 'early blog fail'. A unique film review of 'Passion of the Christ':

"Overall, truly the feelgood film of the year. Not as many dance numbers as I would have liked, but the chereography was spectacular! And of coursedon't miss the hilarious outtakes at the end!"

This review brought to you by a 32oz of Coke, andcouple of 4oz bottles of Jack Daniel's and healthyfear of the guy sitting next to me wearing the "Gunsdon't kill people, I Kill People" trucker hat.

An Early, Feeble Attempt at Comedy Writing

This may be the very first attempt at comedy writing for an audience, when I wrote this roast of a friend's wedding about 7 years ago so I apologize if it's sucks. I sort of skewered (good naturedly) his wedding. Some references may be dated, but interesting watching the progression:

THE CEREMONY (where a televangelist gave a rather 'interesting' sermon):

“The wedding was beautiful and everybody looked great, but I think the preacher may have been a bit much. I mean lighten up there fella…it’s just wedding”
Sincerely Pat Robertson and Religious Right

“We totally agree with the preacher about everything he said, especially the part where he said ‘til death do us part’”
Regards, OJ Simpson and Scott Peterson

“That was definitely one of the best weddings I’ve been to. Believe me I know, I’ve done several myself”
Best of Luck, Jennifer Lopez

THE RECEPTION (where we did not exactly endear ourselves to the bride, after our little joke involving nature photos with the disposable cameras):

“The course was looked good, the food was good. My drinking hand was a little rusty on the first few beers, but once I got into the flow, the back nine went down easy. And with the shots I found my short game went easier”
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

“Wow! Golf Course?, Wedding?, Beer? Sometimes for me that can be a bad situation”
Sincerely, Golf Carts

“I figure it might have been tough get by on one keg, but usually that’s all we need to get us through the workday”
Sincerely, Philadelphia Int’l Airport Baggage Handlers

“We love what you did with the disposable cameras in the bathroom. Can we see those sometime?”
Regards, Internet Porn

“You guys had ass play in the bathroom? Sounds like my kind of wedding!"
Sincerely, George Micheal

“What you call cornholing, is what I call Saturday Night”
Sincerely, Bubba (inmate # 582247 at Newark New Jersey Correctional Facility)

“Taking pictures of your willy with those disposable cameras was childish and immature”Sincerely,Tom Green

THE HOTEL (where we may have had the World's slowest bartender in some retro 70's style lounge that never got updated):

“Hanging out at the hotel was cool and all, but what was with that manager telling people to take off their hats. We go to bars all the time with hats. She made>us feel like we were common trailer trash” Sincerely, The average West Virginia resident

“What was up with the bartender being so slow? We're patient people but come on….fifteen minutes for a drink?’
Yours Truly, Glaciers

“We find slow bartenders to be REALLY annoying!”
Sincerely, Telemarketers

“Got a slow bartender? Usually putting on a ski mask and a shotgun gets em moving pretty fast from our experience”
Sincerely, Armed Robbers

Unfortunate Acronyms

From people who have a little too much time on their hands: http://www.unfortunateacronyms.com/

Some of my faves which allow me to indulge my inner adolescent:
Tokyo Institute of Technology (TITS)
Wisconsin Tourism Federation (WTF)
Breakthrough Urban Ministries (BUM)
Federal Coordinating Council for Comparative Effectiveness Research (FCCCER)
Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF)
South Lake Union Trolley (SLUT)
Iowa Dept. on Aging (DOA)
Biologically Appropriate Raw Food (BARF)
Phoenix Island Settlement Scheme (PISS)

Ann Curry interview with Hillary Clinton = FAIL

On the Today Show, Ann Curry showed why she won't ever be confused with Christiane Amanpour (or any other credible journalist for the matter) after bombing the interview with Sec. of State Hillary Clinton. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33276688/from/RSS/

Think about all the things going on the World and the best Ann comes up with is "Do you feel you are marginalized?"

This as Sec.Clinton speaks before the Nothern Ireland Parliament about Protestants and Catholics trusting each other enough to have an independent justice system after decades of sectarian violence.

Being the lead point person on North Korea, Restarting Mideast Peace talks, Iran, Global Trade, Climate Change, Improving relations with Latin America, Dealing with Cuba, Poverty in Africa does not exactly constitute being 'marginalized'. A talking barbie doll could have done a better interview.

Dave Letterman, The Kardashians, and a WTF moment for the ages

Obligatory Cute Kid Photo -

David Letterman blackmail-adultery scandal - While everyone debates Letterman's future after going public with an affair to avoid a blackmail scheme, my blogging hero Gregg Easterbrook asks a more serious question: 'What on Earth happened to the art of extortion'? It used to be when guys named 'Lefty' blackmailed you it was pay up or else have your kneecaps broken. Nowadays guys named 'Lefty' want a publishing and development deal or else....or else what?

Pittsburgh hosts the G20 summit - The question on everyone's minds was why Pittsburgh? My theory was that the Obama Admin. wanted to show the rest of the World the severity of the global recession. So he wanted to find a place so bleak, depressing, and devoid of all hope as to demonstrate the urgency for finding a solution. So hence you have Pittsburgh, or as actress Sienna Miller calls it 'Sh**sburgh'.

One way to court the female vote - We all have some embarrassing past photos we wish to burn but for Scott Brown, the Republican candidate for US Senate from Massachusetts, it may prove a little more difficult. Recently surfaced was the 1982 issue of Cosmopolitan where he posed nude in the centerfold wearing a smile and nothing else. Political pundits from both sides definitely agree Brown was sporting his own 'stimulus package' during that now infamous photoshoot.

Please E! Network not another Kardashian show - I will accept one Kardashian show under protest (the one with the fat ass and a sex tape), however I must vehemently object to any spin-off series involving any other member of that family (the one with the dead behind the eyes look).

NFL prevents Delaware from legalizing football betting - Can someone tell me why betting on sports is illegal, but investing in Wall Street which essentially is betting on companies is legit?

Not exactly the 'A-Team' - Evidence for a drug and weapons trafficking case in Florida may get dismissed after a surveillance video appeared of a Tampa SWAT team playing 'Guitar Hero' on a suspect's Wii playstation and watching the suspect's porn collection after raiding a house with enough guns to supply a small Latin American army.

People who are nuts: entertaining when at parties, disconcerting when World leaders - Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi whose wardrobe choice makes it looks like he raided Elton John's closet gave a 90 minute, rambling, mostly incoherent speech at the General Assembly of the United Nations. Normally that type of behavior in New York City would earn an all expenses paid trip to the Psychiatric ward of Bellevue Hospital.

Jon Gosselin wants a '9 to 5' job - Hey Jon, please feel free to get one so the rest of us spared every painful, tiny, microscopic detail of your divorce to the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls..urr...Kate Gosselin. Because we just love watching two grown-ups settle their problems using the tabloid media like mature adults.

Not sure if the Duggars have heard of overpopulation as a global problem - Michelle Duggar of 18 Kids and Counting is due to give birth with her 19th child, or 20th, or whatever. From Huffington Post: "Will someone tell her that a vagina should not double as a clown car".

Television as an artform may never be the same - Sadly, the reality series Megan Wants a Millionaire about a shallow gold-digger's quest to marry a millionaire out of 12 presumably douchy contestants came to an abrupt ending. In turns out one of the finalists had a slight legal problem....in the form of being arrested for killing his wife. Not sure why that would be a problem.

Why the Cincinnati Bengals usually don't win - Bengals' third string quarterback and professional bench warmer Jordan Palmer along with some other teammates started a iPhone app called 'runpee' at www.runpee.com that provides the exact time to run to bathroom during movies and still not miss anything relevant. I'm sure Bengal fans are so appreciative for all the dedication to this effort as opposed to say learning a playbook or practicing on not sucking. Coincidentally for Bengals games the best time to pee is when Jordan Palmer is in the game because nothing good will happen.

Perhaps the Chinese version is better - The movie Boogie Nights about a 70's porn star which gave Mark Wahlberg acting cred along with making his appendage a 'star' is set to be released on DVD in China. The actual translation for the movie in Chinese: "His Great Device Makes Him Famous".

Great Moments in Unintended Hilarity - The Wisconsin Tourism Federation was forced to change its logo after adopting 'WTF' as it's acronym on all press releases and brochures. For the texting/IM/e-mail impaired 'WTF' is abbreviation for 'What the F***'? which is probably what officials at WTF headquarters we're asking themselves when deluged with prank calls from teenagers asking them that exact same question.

Public Relations 101, New Jersey Corruption, and the Math Teacher from Hell (literally) 8/12/2009

How not to handle Public Relations - Let's say you're the Valley Pool Club a snooty, elitist aquatic club outside Philly who has a history of anti-semitism when selecting new members. And one day you abrubtly cancel a inner-city youth day camp trip to your club because one of you're members complained about "All those little black kids in the pool".

Now when the local news media comes to inquire about why, don't send out a press release with this response: "We decided not to allow them back because we wanted preserve the complexion and atmosphere of the club". At that point you might as well change the club's name to Club KKK.

Supreme Court deals blow to show 'Cops' - The US Supreme Court ruled that cops cannot search a glove compartment inside a car just on probable cause alone. They actually have to follow the US Constitution and get driver's consent or get a warrant. So no more hilarity when the mulleted redneck in the wife beater t-shirt says "I ain't got no drugs" and they search the car and find enough Crystal Meth to fuel a Toby Keith conert. But on the bright side cops still get to carry taser guns!

Signs you may have a gambling problem - Recently it was discovered that in legal New Jersey sports betting venues in Atlantic City, you could actually bet on which 13 year-old would win the National Spelling Bee. No word on how many gamblers we're asked to be more specific when placing a bet on "The Asian Kid".

Hot new feud: Barbara Walters vs. Bruno - Proving vapidity on the The View isn't just limited to Elizabeth Hasslebeck, Barbara Walters (or those of the WASP New England background: BaHBaHa WaHters) chastised the movie "Bruno" as being elitist for reportedly making fun of ordinary people by exposing their homophobia. We could take her seriously or we could conclude she's an self-important, whiny, out-of-touch, humorless gas bag.

Hot new Feud: Sarah Palin vs. A Coherent Thought Process - Now ex-governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin quit her job though she's not quitting and not being Governor will allow her to do more for Alaska. Ok, that makes sense..uhh..wait..nope..huh..WHAT?

Don't Cry for Him Argentina - Politicians must clamoring for the good old days when they could fly off to Argentina for five days to have an extramarital affair in obscurity while reportedly on official State business. Unfortunetly for Gov.Mark Sanford of South Carolina, those pesky little people called 'taxpayers' get all snippy when their governor isn't doing his job. Then the media have the nerve to ambush him at the airport returning home from the affair and don't even give enough time to grab the wife as a prop for the "I made a mistake" groveling speech.

New Jersey Corruption Bust - Feds recently arrested 44 and counting politicians around the State for various corruption practices. If they arrest all 120 members of the State Legislature along with anyone associated with our Governor we may very well have something resembling an actual, functioning State government.

"Wow, I can't believe it's not plastic' - According to recently released research, margerine "the pretend butter" is only one molecule different from plastic. If you like margerine on your toast perhaps you'll like eating the plastic bag the bread comes in too.

Anyone watch Amy Adam's career take off - and think that was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan's career?

Anyone watch Rachel McAdam's career take off - and think that was supposed to be Neve Campbell's career?

Newest Right-Wing complaint about Obama: He's ruining married men's "game" - On Fox News, they whined about Barack taking Michelle on dates because it placed an unfair expectation on married men to actually have to take their wives to a romantic dinner. Yep, they actually said that and conservatives wonder why they're rapidly losing credibility.

Given the slew of sex scandals involving right-wing politicians lately, I guess that means for them the burden involves taking a woman to a romantic dinner who actually is their wife. Or in the case Sen.Lindsay Graham taking someone to a romantic dinner who is actually of the opposite sex (allegedly).

An invention we really don't need - Coors Light introduced it's scientific breakthrough that will be sure revolutionize how human beings live and work from here on ...a beer can that turns blue when cold. Whoa, that's some heady stuff! Uh, not really. Thanks to 6,000 years of human evolution, I've found that the sense of touch can help me decipher instantly if a beer is cold enough. And if the beer isn't cold enough, the following formula usually solves the problem: Case of beer + Ice x 30 minutes = WIN.

If you thought you had the Math Teacher from Hell - I'll always have the phobia of scientific calculators thanks to my horrific high school Trig teacher, but she'll have nothing on Khang Khek Ieu aka 'Comrade Cenh". A retired math teacher from Cambodia, Cenh is described as having a mean streak which according to an Cambodian Genocide Tribunal, served him well in running the infamous Tuol Slang prison during the Khmer Rouge reign of terror of that country from 1975 to 1979.

Evidently the place made Auchowitz look like a Caribbean resort. Of the 17,000 political prisoners who entered Cenh's facility, only 12 are known to have survived. Cenh's is also charged with developing an efficient way of exterminating 2.4 million people by creating the infamous "Killing Fields" where mass executions routinely took place. But in fairness, I'll assume not all math teachers are genocidal maniacs.

My New Rules (since Bill Maher on hiatus) - 7/10/2009

In honor of Bill Maher, one of my heroes. It's moy own version of 'New Rules' for 2009

New Rule 1: Restrictions on the phrase 'Cause That's How I Roll' - White, middle-class surbanites who invoke this phrase must use with an obvious sense of irony denoting a subtle self-deprevation about one's sense of style. Otherwise will be denoted as a massive fail at attempting to sound hip.

Exempted from the rule:
Pro Athletes
Rappers with a minimum of 3 hit singles
Bill Gates
Anyone who can actually afford a bottle of Cristal Champagne

Also applies to "There ain't no shame to my game"

New Rule 2: Jenny McCarthy needs to shut her pie hole - My heart will always go out to families struggling with children who have autism. But for Jenny McCarthy to imply parents skip childhood vaccinations because results from junk science show they cause autism. Thereby raising the risk for remergence of deadly diseases is wreckless and irresponsible. McCarthy is famous for showing her crotch in Playboy, not having a doctorate in Neuro science.

New Rule 3: Teachers must stop being the scapegoat for failing schools - We don't so much have a teaching problem as we do a parenting problem. Like the old phrase "You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink". You can have best schools in the world but if the kids aren't motivated because of vapid parents at home it won't matter. Also educators are free to say "Well, the world will always need ditch diggers" when explaining perfomace of lazy kids to their lazy parents.

New Rule 4: Celebrities must be nominally interesting to have a Twitter account - Seeing as how twitter now has a higher purpose in helping contribute to a revolution in Iran, it's time clear up bandwidth. Therefore, no more Ashton Kuchter telling us about his latest bowel movement or whatever garbage comes out of Paris Hilton's mouth. Instead all meaningless and ego-centric posts will be rerouted to the site whogivesashit.com

New Rule 5: Ignorant American teenagers cannot make fun of Asian-Indians - Here in New Jersey there's a joke that the welcome package for Asian-Indian immigrants includes running a gas station or Dunkin Donuts. But most people admire them for their hard work ethic and truly following an American dream. Though some dumb teens think's it's amusing to taunt them, but what they don't realize is in about 5 years they will be calling these immigrants something else....BOSS.

New Rule 6: Jon Gosselin is offically a douchebag - Not that I don't sympathize with all the henpecking and badgering he had to endure from Kate on their show 'Jon&Kate plus 8'. But a real man does not go out have an affair with a 22 year old skank and more or less abandon 8 kids because the mom happens to be a modern day Succubus.

At least have the cojones to confront Kate about her behavior and suggest counseling....or an exorcism. But don't act like a classless jerk-off when you finally decide you've had enough, because when you're a father, it's not just about you anymore.

New Rule 7: There is now a 100% tax imposed on stupid rich people - Recently deceased Leona Helmsley, hotel empire hieress and all around friend to the 'little people' graciously willed $6 million....to her cat. I'm not about class warfare, but sometimes luxury reaches an obscene heights, like an unnamed Wall Street CEO who spent $250,000 for an diamond encrusted iPhone. Rich people who cannot spend money wisely are not entitled to any of it.

New Rule 8: Celebrities who are less than a B-grade are no longer entitlted to their own reality shows - To all the Tori Spellings and MC Hammers out there who think having TV cameras follow them will revive careers it won't. It just helps us normal people feel better about oursleves because at least we're not Tori Spelling or MC Hammer. So we will use this process to weed out all proposals for a reality show: a game a Russian Roulette where six pseudo celebrities come in but only the last one alive gets the show.

New Rule 9: George Bush must have his 'Frost/Nixon' moment - If the 43rd President of the US wants to re-enter polite society and have any trace of respectibility he must sit down for a real interview and face all the hard questions he ducked for 8 years. Plus like Richard Nixon 30 years before him, be forced to give honest answers to those hard questions.

Here's some examples:
So in your view, was Saddam Huessein's biggest crime that he controlled the world's largest oil reserve but had the gaul to not give it to your cronies in the Oil and Gas companies?

Is there any policy decision you made that was not on behalf of corporate or special interest groups?

When you took a week to bother doing anything about New Orleans after Katrina, was it because most of it's residents we're poor and black, and therefore not politically important to you?

New Rule 10: White House Press Corps are now officially worthless - Within the DC chattering, punditry class there has been a lot of discontent because Pres. Obama had the nerve to answer a question from blogger instead of a 'real' journalist. But consider this, of all the Presidential scandals of the last 50 years, not one was originally broken by a 'real' White House journalist. No wonder Nixon referred to these people as 'useful idiots'.

During this time these 'real' journalists we're more interested in making the rounds of the DC cocktail and hovre d'ors circuit than actually doing any real investigative reporting. That's why I propose these 'real' journalists be demoted to title of 'stenographer' or 'glorified note-taker'. While giving the title of 'real journalist' to all those bloggers and reporters who actually are interested in watching over those in Washington who hold the reign of power.

North Korea, Manscaping, and ripping John Mayer a new one - 6/10/2009

Photo Caption - 'Hey Keira, when you start walking on your own, Mom and Dad are so screwed!'

Signs the 'Tom Selleck Look' won't be coming back anytime soon - New from Gilette, the 'Man Body Groomer' which will revolutionize manscaping as we know it. Possibly the best part is their marketing slogan (i'm not kidding) "Trims the bushes to make the Tree look bigger!"

Jessica Biel says beautiful people have it tough - In an interview from Allure magazine, Ms.Biel frets that beauty is a burden because it's prevents her from being taken seriously as an actress. In her defense, I can relate since I'm sure I've lost out on good market research jobs due to my stunning body, movie-star good looks, and overall killer sex appeal.

Mariah Carey says 9/11 ruined movie career - Providing a living example to college Pysch majors everywhere of cognitive dissonance. Carey said the movie Glitter widely regarded as the worst film of all time would have succeeded had it not been released right after 9/11. I have to disagree citing the film was released with the French alternate-title "Smoking Pile of Crap".

North Korean dictator names heir apparent - In case anyone was worried that peace and tranquility might return to the Korean peninsula fear not! Kim Jong Il named his oldest son as successor to his regime. And if you thought Kim Jong was a few croutons short of a salad, evidently his son is nuttier than a squirrel's nest.

British Elections upcoming - In a battle of the least charismatic politicians ever, British Prime Minister Gordon "Mr.Excitement" Brown appears headed to certain defeat at the hands of Conservative Party leader David "Likes to Party" Cameron. That bastion of 'intellectualism' FHM Magazine gives their take: "It really comes down to who less looks like a lumpy, dried out, bag of cement. So we give the edge to Cameron...barely".

Proof statistics can be fun - For example recent surveys show residents of Newfoundland are the most sexually active of any provence in Canada. Newfoundland also has a town called Dildo. Coincidence? I think not.

Coming Soon: "Catcher in the Rye 2-The Loathing Returns" - uh, not really. Author JD Sullinger has sued to prevent a sequel to the classic novel Catcher in the Rye whose main contribution to literature is possibly foreshadowing the Emo movement.

In terms of story development, assuming the main character Holden Caulfield follows the typical Baby Boomer trajectory. The sequel picks up with Caulfield being put on medication and becoming a preppy, conformist drone focused mainly on making money and instant self-gratification.

If crazy was sold as coffee, Fox News would be Starbucks - Evidently the right-wing pundits over at Fox are still bitter about the election. They recently called Obama Un-American because he likes dijon mustard on his hamburger and that's apparently only the French do. So that's makes him unfit to be President? uhh..good luck with that.

"What Fox did is not just create a venue for alternative opinion. It created an alternate reality," Charles Krauthammer.

I hope Heidi and Spencer don't ruin thier careers by being overexposed - oops, too late.

Best Reason yet why politicians should not twitter -

US Sen.Chuck Grassley's (R-Iowa) twitter criticism of Obama's Paris sightseeing trip- "you got nerve while u sightseeing"

From Sarah Smith via blog Wonkette - "Remember back in 1780-something, when we had actual smart people writing our founding documents in beautiful longhand when they weren't inventing new kinds of ploughs and bifocals and shit? Now our nation's top legislators just type away like petulant teenage girls, with their thumbs."

A Response to John Mayer's twitter post - From uber-tool John Mayer about why men generally aren't big fans of his:

"Men hate me because I date their dream girls"

My response: Actually John men hate you because you're a no talent, ass-clown who is single-handedly responsible for the pussification of Rock'N'Roll. The only reason you have a music career is corporate radio perpetuating those God-awful songs to make the airwaves safe for the Lite-Rock/Adult Contemporary crowd who primarily use music as background noise.

Your brand of 'schlock rock' could only be loved by a soulless, record company hack who thinks Hootie and the Blowfish are edgy. If you had any ounce of musical integrity, you would take your guitar playing hand and stick it through a running wood-chipper.

Swine Flu, Rock of Love, and Twittering is for twats - 5/4/2009

Pork: the other white meat - As the swine flu meagerly makes its away across the globe (thus far). I'm so glad our media have shown reserve and integrity by not sensationalizing the epidemic and causing a panic...uhh...never mind.

The Return of ‘Rock of Lame..urr.. Love’ – Like a bad case of Syphilis that won’t go away, Brett Michaels former lead singer of faux-metal act Poison is back for third run around of finding love among 12 middle-aged strippers. I guess Brett has uhh..’High’ standards for potential love interests since he can’t seem to find the right one from the collective human cesspool who form the dating pool for the show.

'Obsession' Movie Review - I really enjoyed this movie..... back when it was called 'Fatal Attraction' about 20 years ago.

'17 Again' Movie Review - I really enjoyed this movie.....back when it was called 'Dream a Little Dream' about 20 years ago.

And on a side note, you can have my age 17 because it sucked, and I enjoy the part of adulthood where you can look back at high school and laugh at all supposedly 'cool' people now working as gas station attendants. I also enjoy the part of adulthood where you have money and freedom.

Am I Bad Person…. – If upon hearing that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was injured in a bicycle accident and my initial split-second response was “I hope she was injured!”?

New Jersey looks to ban bikini waxes - Well my summer plans at the Shore are shot.....uhh....I mean someone in the State capital has too much time on their hands.

Miss USA controversy - I think the real debate surrounding this year's event is not whether Miss California is a bigoted-idiot (she is) or Perez Hilton asked her a loaded question about gay marriage (he did). But rather why are we still holding this mindless ritual where creepy old men and their Stepford cultist wives watch a parade of silicone enhanced walking mannequins?

Texas Governor threatens succession - During one of the adult temper tantrums held accross the country alternately referred to as 'Tea Parties', Texas Gov. Rick Perry mentioned a possibility of the state succeeding. Interesting comment seeing as how the US Civil War supposedly to put an end to that idea.

The response from the other 49 states: please feel free to leave at any time. You always we're petulant little state and now you can be you're own little petulant country. By the way all the oil in the Gulf of Mexico and the city of Austin still belongs to us.
Pakistan teetering on collapse – The Taliban (it’s Persian for ‘The Good Time Gang’) who currently control the border area of Pakistan and Afghanistan have decided the rest of the country should share in the non-stop party that is strict Islamic law. Oh good, a civil war in a country with nuclear weapons. Sweet.

If you thought Domino’s Pizza was inedible before – Proving stupidity can transcend the digital age, two Domino’s managers in North Carolina filmed themselves sticking snot, spit, and other fun human waste bi-products in pizzas about to be delivered then posted it on YouTube.

I’m still in amazement that people don’t consider the pros and cons of whether filming a crime is really a good idea? Then again that's assuming people who post crimes on YouTube would actually have cognitive ability.

American Lexicon Update - the term 'F*** You Money' is now 'Wall Street Bonus Money' - Origin: From the classic line delivered by James Garner in the vastly underrated comedy Barbarians at the Gate "We're not just talking big money here, we're talking F*** You money, we're talking never having to say you're sorry money".

Meaning: To describe a fortune so obscenely large that exceeds any practical need for it which usually belongs to some rich, greedy jerk-off.

New Usage: To describe any Wall Street exec who has the temerity to take million-dollar raise even though they brought down the Financial sector.

Twittering is for twats - Not like this country needed another tool to fuel its already bulging narcissism but this whole twittering thing is about reach levels of annoying not seen since the Macarena craze. Now it seems every annoying celebrity or personality has a twitter account because why? Is Nicole Richie's life just that interesting?
Assuming I had an infantile need for attention, here's what my tweets would look like:

7:10am - Accident at the I-295-42 split, looks like someone zigged when they should have zagged

7:58am - Just clocked a lady behind me on the PATCO train talk on her cell phone for 28 minutes straight, a new record

8:15am - some homeless man called me a 'bald a-hole. That's why I love Philly, you don't have to wait for the insults

11:00am - Project mgmt meeting..time for my nap

11:59am - Will she please just SHUT UP already

12:35pm - Lunch time and its "What the hell is that Wednesday?" at the cafetaria but sounds better then "Fresh Roadkill Mondays"

2:20pm - Found a weapon of mass destruction....on 23rd floor bathroom in the last stall

3:45pm - Just listened to a boring story from 'cat lady' down the hall for fifteen minutes. Another minute I would of replied 'I'm sorry you have me confused for someone who gives a crap'

4:15pm - Time to go home now, but check traffic first to see how many idiots will be impeding my progress today with their car accidents caused by their idiacy

4:48pm - The train has 12 cars, but I choose the one with the two teenage girls saying 'Like' followed by 'Oh my God' an average of about three a sentence.

Somalia Pirates, Leo DiCaprio's Girlfriend, and The Great American 'Teabagging'

Julia’s Gentleman Caller – I knew this would happen but so early? At a pancake breakfast fundraiser, some budding Casanova takes Julia’s hand and takes her for a walk. Really? At 2 years old and the kid is already flirting?

Now playing on Hell’s TIVO – The Hallmark Channel announced it’s 2009 lineup of 35 original movies that I’m sure will feature it’s usual commitment to film excrement..urr.. excellence. Featuring an all-star cast of D-list celebrities who collectively bring a starpower caliber equal to that of a reading light. This year’s crop promises to induce Diabetic shock with storylines so sappy and schmaltzy that I can already feel my blood sugar going through the roof.

Perhaps the greatest album review ever – From Esquire magazine regarding the New Jonas Brothers album: “Obituary: Music officially dies after succumbing to the release of “Jonas Brothers 3-D Movie Soundtrack”. Reportedly on the day the music died, it said good-bye to Miss American Pie then drove a Chevrolet truck to a levy only to find said levy was dry where two Southern gentleman we’re consuming alcoholic beverages and discussing their mortality.”

As if men needed another reason to hate Leonardo DiCaprio – Proving that life is indeed unfair, Leo’s girlfriend Bar Refaeli graced the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition causing grown men to stop dead in their tracks, saying “Whoa momma!” at newsstands everywhere.

The Great American 'Teabagging' – In an apparent protest of taxes and government, thousands of ‘teabaggers’ are holding ‘Tea Parties’ across America on April 15 when taxes are due proving many right-wing talk radio fans completely lack a sense of irony given the term ‘teabagging’ has whole other connotation. So if any ‘teabagger’ is wondering why everyone is snickering and laughing at them, please consult urbandictionary.com or ask any adolescent teenage boy. At least they didn’t call it a ‘Roman Soldier Helmet’ party or ‘Salad Tossing’ party.

Piracy: It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt – The latest scourge of the high seas involves pirates from Somalia highjacking large freight ships and crew in the Indian Ocean demanding ransom for their release. Not sure if they got the idea from watching too much “Pirates of the Caribbean ” but I’m guessing Capt. Jack Sparrow would not be crazy enough to take on the US Navy. Particularly after seeing the Navy SEAL snipers take out three pirates holding an American ship captain hostage.

As a result expect this Gov’t statistic to be updated more frequently: Body Count of Pirates by President

Thomas Jefferson – 800

James Madison – 500

Barack Obama - 3

Age of Enlightenment apparently skipped Alaska – Proving that she’s old school when it comes to family values (old as in Middle Ages) Gov.Sarah Palin nominated Attila the Hun..urr.. Wayne Anthony Ross for the State’s attorney general.

When asked to explain why he opposed criminalizing sexual assault among married couples, Ross replied: “If you can’t rape your wife, who can you rape?”

AIG looks to change image after Bailout controversy – Trying to stem outrage after the public learned that AIG paid over $100 million in bonuses from bailout funds meant to stimulate the economy to the very people responsible for the Sub-Prime crisis. With it’s brand tarnished, AIG is considering a PR campaign with either ‘Ooops, about that global economic collapse, our bad’ or ‘Hey, at least we’re not Bernie Madoff’ as it’s slogan.

Dick Cheney might want to lawyer up – Several Bush admin officials including Alberto Gonzalez may not want to leave the country anytime soon thanks to expected indictments of human rights violations from Spain. I’m not well versed in Legalese, but from what I understand, by choosing to violate the Geneva Convention regarding the humane treatment of prisoners of war at Guantanamo Bay outside the US legal system.

It also means those who performed or authorized are laso outside the protection of the US legal system. The detainee camp essentially operated in a ‘lawless’ zone where any human rights offense could be prosecuted by any country.

So in essence, the Bush Admin screwed themselves once the Int’l Red Cross verified the systematic torture and deaths of least 12 detainees as a result, because other countries then have the right to prosecute human rights violations which occur to their citizens. But on the bright side they say Spain is lovely in the springtime, especially from a prison cell.

15 THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT PARENTHOOD (PART 2 – THE TODDLER YEARS)

This is a follow-up to my original post that you can find here: PART 1: THE NEWBORN YEARS

1. With a second child, responsibility increases exponentially – Here’s the new math: 2 parents + 1 child > 3 and 2 parents + 2 children > 4 meaning it does not get any easier with the second child. Which gives you a newfound respect for single parents because after several hours alone with the kids, I must look like a lobotomy patient or Amy Winehouse after a 2-day bender.

2. Kids are lot like Roosters – Regardless of day, once the sun comes up they’re up and jumping up on you’re bed ‘Breakfast Daddy? Breakfast?’ whether you want to sleep or not. So the first few minutes of the day are spent resembling a zombie from Night of the Living Dead mumbling “Coffee….Coffee….Coffee..”. The flipside of course comes 15 years later when getting them up before noon on Weekends provides a chance for revenge.

3. You’re meals are no longer your own – Like the mooch in college who always vultured over a stash of snacks, toddlers are automatically attracted to the sound of a running microwave or fridge opening looking to mooch off some of you’re food “What ya eatin daddy?” So we’ve made a point to snack on healthy foods so they both girls will get into viewing fruits, veggies as the cool food.

4. New parents get a 2-year mulligan period – According to all those expert books kids don’t form permanent memories until at least 2 years old so you have a trial period to screw-up and not have you’re kids hold it against you.

5. Never underestimate ability of kids to pick up language – Kids say the darndest things especially in front of strangers, particularly with words you didn’t want them to know. Like when Julia dropped a plate and said “Oh S**t” at an outdoor picnic with five other people looking on. That’s when you act all surprised and reply with feigned indignity “Where did you learn that word?” making sure to cut them off in case they reply “From you”.

6. Never underestimate ability of kids to read emotions – Amazingly our oldest has figured out when we’re patronizing her. For instance she’ll say “I drew picture for you” and I’ll reply lazily “That’s nice”. Then indignant, she’ll says firmly “No Daddy..LOOK”. Mmm’kay on cognitive development list for assertiveness, check.

7. Luckily, as cognitive ability increases, parents still have the upper hand – By nature kids will get into things they are not supposed to get into, but thankfully they don’t realize that sound travels which thereby alerts the parents to some mischievous doing. So kids adapt and learn to be sneaky, but alas they have not learned that by nature kids are also noisy so when there is an suspicious silence, parents can deduce they are up to something, thereby leading to kids getting caught..AGAIN.

8. Pediatricians have a superiority complex – Because there are many stupid parents, Peds will assume everybody who comes into their office is stupid and needs to be talked down to like a 5-year old. Our Ped gave us a lecture on what bacteria is and how anti-biotics work. To which my wife responded…”Thanks for the refresher because I was afraid those 4 years in college getting a Biology degree would go to waste”.

9. Opinions on parenting are like butt-holes, everyone seems to have one – Evidently there are several undeclared wars between those who believe in working versus stay-at-home moms or breast-feeding versus formula advocates or family planning versus natural conception advocates that spill out on internet chatrooms and mindless talk shows everywhere. So when I become a unwilling combatant in one of these wars, I politely say “I’ll go ahead and raise my kids the way we see fit and you go ahead and stick your opinion where the Sun don’t shine”.

10. Teething infants make great birth control for teens – Having my wife’s cousins babysit our two kids has helped ensure there will be no unplanned pregnancies in their future. After three hours of cleaning up puke, poop, and drool along with having to deal with overall crankiness of teething. Every one of them afterward is like “Uh, parenting like blows, so I’ll focus on college for the time being.”

11. Kids are basically germ magnets – Knowing there is an impending stomach bug in your body can only be compared to the dread that Medieval Europeans felt seeing an impending Viking raid coming to their village. It’s almost a ritualistic event every year when cold, Flu, or stomach ailments get picked up by the kids and spread through the house like wildfire. But we refuse to become germophobes because if you don’t expose them to everything, their immune systems will not get stronger.

12. You laugh at parents who shop at Gap Kids or Carter’s – Nothing says pretentious yuppie like parents buying a wardrobe full of expensive kids clothes because they grow so fast you’ll be lucky to get more than one good day’s use out of them. It’s one thing for pictures or a special occasion. But can anyone really tell the difference between a $40 6-month outfit from Carter’s and a $4 one from Target? The best is watching an uppity parent freak out because that precious outfit got dirty and is most likely stained for good.

13. Kids ultimately have to learn the Law of the Playground – They reach that age where you have to let your kids loose on the playground with other kids and hope they play well with others. Inevitably, you always seem to have the one bratty little kid in the group who does something mean to your kid while they’re dolt parent is oblivious. The natural response is to get up and smack that little urchin upside the head but that my little girls will have to learn that there are jerks at every age and you just have to ignore them. Of course doesen’t mean you can’t hide said brat kids favorite toy and smile in guilty delight as he throws a tantrum.

14. Your entertainment choices are limited to Nickelodeon or Disney – So while you can try to steer them in the cartoon preference that will cause the least headaches.

15. Your career goals get a much needed perspective – I was one of those real ambitious types out of grad school who would stay late at work because it impressed the boss. But when you have kids you realize the real rewards are getting home in time to play with them before bed. The best part is no matter how much of a punching bag you feel like after a really bad day. When you come home and your daughters come running to you, no amount of money, promotions, or corporate glory can buy that feeling.

Recession, Reefer Madness, and Finding my Inner Nerd

Snowstorms - Great for kids, sucks when you're an adult

How do you know that it’s time to go to go on a diet? – When your daughter points out that I have ‘boobies’ like Mommy and during a check-up and you get the heaviest weight ever in your life prompting the nurse to ask “Did you eat Little Debbie or just her snacks?” I was at 236, which may not be very big except when entering college, I weighed 135. Part of it (well, lot of it) was mass-quantity beer drinking in my early to mid 20’s. But luckily my company has it’s own gym (working for ‘The Man’ has it’s privileges) and I’m now down to 223 at last check. I’ll keep you posted.

Discovering my ‘Inner Nerd’ – I was never comic book guy and I’m probably part of the 1% of people on the planet who still have not seen Dark Knight. However, I’m looking forward to The Watchmen because it’s the only graphic novel to make the list of 100 Top Influential novels of the 1980’s from Time magazine. It’s sort of the Thinking Man’s version of ‘Superfriends’. Of course getting my wife to be remotely interested will be a challenge suitable for Superman.

This can be filed as ‘Well, Duh’ – According to the article “George Lucas destroyed my childhood” recently in Entertainment Weekly, nerds (oops sorry ‘Fans’) are complaining that Lucas has ruined the Star Wars franchise by overmarketing everything about the series for money. In response to the criticism, Lucas launched his new website “The Star Wars Cash Cam” where get you to see live footage Lucas counting all his money after the Brink’s truck shows up to deliver the day’s royalties.

This should make you feel better about the recession – According to Congressional insiders familiar with the Bailout. On Sept. 18, 2008, the US was potentially three hours away from financial Armageddon when the stock market lost over $600 Million dollars during morning trading and was on pace to lose 70% of it’s value before a deal was made on the Bailout. And you thought you had a bad day.

And this make you feel better about the near future – According to the Gov’t Accounting Office the Medicare Hospital fund may go broke as early as 2018.

And this make you feel better about the long-term future – Because of the current budget deficit, Congress is ‘borrowing’ from the Social Security trust-fund to pay for Gov’t departments. But don’t worry, given Washington’s track record of fiscal prudence I’m sure it will be paid back in time as a safety net for young people because it’s not like there’s a huge cohort of Baby Boomers set to retire in the next 10 years or anything.

“Weedies”: The New Breakfast of Champions – With a photo of Michael Phelps taking a hit off a bong appearing on the Internet, evidently those PSA commercials stating weed gets you nowhere in life will have to scrapped since it didn' stop Phelps from the Olympics. I’ll knock Phelps for being stupid and putting his endorsement money at risk but honestly I won’t knock him for the weed. Not that I endorse smoking it, but given the steroids in baseball and abuse of painkillers in football it’s nothing. Besides both the current and former President have admitted snorting cocaine in their ‘wayward’ youth, so cut him some slack.

In other ‘Weed’ related news – According to Peter Yarrow of 60’s folk group Peter, Paul, and Mary, their song ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ was not about marijuana. Uh, yeah and I’m sure The Beatles’ song ‘What’s the New Mary Jane’ was actually about a woman named Mary Jane. Plus Jimi Hendrix’s ‘All Along the Watchtower’ was actually about standing on top of a tower or some other elevated vantage point.

And while we’re on the topic of weed – In honor of Vancouver , British Columbia hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics they have asked for ideas for a mascot to represent the city. Seeing as that Province legalized marijuana recently, I suggested ‘Spliffy’, everybody’s favorite talking joint with the tagline “Light it up, Dudes!” as the official slogan. For some reason they hung up on me when I called them with the idea.

Not to paint Canada with a broad brush or anything but given most Canadians I knew smoked weed like a chimney, they could probably replace the Maple leaf with a marijuana leaf on the Canadian flag.

Hot new feud: the Republican Party vs. Reality – In the official GOP response to Barack Obama’s well received State of the Union address. Bobby Jindal, the current Governor of Louisiana and now former ‘frontrunner’ for the party’s 2012 Presidential nomination gave one of the worst speeches at one of the worst posible times in modern political history. Jindal said his party opposed the economic stimulus because of ‘excessive’ government spending and that tax breaks for the wealthy will solve the economic crisis. So according to them foremost on American’s minds right now about Gov’t intervention in the economy are concerns about spending and lower taxes while not at all concerned about heading off the next Great Depression or anything. Uh, good luck with that.

Pittsburgh wins the Super Bowl* – As a Cincinnati Bengals fan my reaction to the last second touchdown was to repeat the F-word in succession for about five minutes. However in the interest of sportsmanship allow me to send along my congratulations to Steeler fans everywhere on your Championship with the sincere wish that you choke on it and die.

*Bitterness – A feeling of loathing or irrational hatred for someone or something that often experiences success causing a deep seated resentment in those who usually do not have success.

Megan Fox breaks off Engagement** – In a sign that God does indeed exist, Megan Fox broke off her engagement to her full time unemployed actor beau Brian Austin Green who is occasionally remembered for his absolutely non-groundbreaking role in the 90’s teen show Douchebag High ..urr..Beverly Hills 90210. Not to brag but if I were still single I think I could score a date with Megan Fox because I’m just that good!

**Delusional – A overall state of false or altered perception of self in relation to reality

The Bernie Madof Scandal, the switch to Digital TV, and bye-bye K-Mart

No sibling rivalry,,,,,,yet – We're thankful to not only have two healthy daughters but who also appear to be really be forming a close sisterly bond. Of course, when boys start getting into the picture then we'll see.

The Local K-Mart Deathwatch - We live in a quasi suburban, quasi-rural area of South Jersey where the only close retail option was K-Mart. Like most K-Marts, you could never find what you needed, the employees we're as close to brain dead without being comatose, and you felt in need of a shower when leaving because the store was so filthy.However, salvation came in the form of a new Target the next town over, which means we're all taking bets on the Over/Under of when K-Mart goes bankrupt.

I'm personally helping the cause by standing outside K-Mart's front doors and telling people "You know Target is now open in Mantua". To which they say "Thanks!" and head back to their cars.

Digital TV Switchover - As part of the progression of legalized extortion from Cable companies technology all analogue TV signals (where the TV needs rabbit ears to get signal) will cease. Which will usher in a glorious new age of Cable TV monopoly communication technology. Here’s a list of other things that will join TV antennas as needing to be phased out:
-Rotary Phones
-Typewriters
-Fur Coats
-Larry King
-Buicks
-Old People who still refer to Asians as ‘Orientals’

Bernie Madoff scandal – Back in college for my Criminology class term paper, I argued that in economic terms white-collar crime did more damage to the average person than regular street crime. With Bernie Madoff allegedly swindling $50 Billion from investors in a Ponzi scheme, this translates to $20 Billion in lost tax revenue to the Gov’t. That’s $20 Billion that could have been used for providing every child in this country with healthcare or fixing the Top 10 bridges that needed repaired or providing every soldier in Iraq and Afghanistan with body armour.

This leads to another theory of mine, that the Justice System treats rich people very differently than average people. The fact that Madoff gets to await trial relaxing in his $7 million Penthouse apartment in Manhattan as opposed to jail where anyone else would be spending their time lends credence.

Sarah Palin: A never ending fountain of stupidity – Proving that denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, the former VP candidate blamed bloggers for losing the election. Uh Right, in the same way paparazzi are responsible for Lindsay Lohan not becoming the next Reece Witherspoon. I think it actually had more to do with majority of Americans deciding that the Harvard educated lawyer with the high IQ would be a better a fit to run the country than an unrepentant dumb-ass who displays her ignorance like a badge of honor.

Luckily, we’ll get more of the Governor’s wit and wisdom in her new book deal tentatively titled “When Deer Met Headlights: The Sarah Palin Story”.

Newest Industry needing a bailout: Porn – Proving no one is unscathed by the recession, several Porn production companies have officially petitioned the Gov’t for cash from the $700 Billion Economic stimulus fund to help their business. This is a reverse of the usual scenario where people give the Porn Industry cash for their own personal stimulus.

CIA officials angry about new Chief – Top officials from America’s spy agency are angry that they we’re not consulted about Obama’s nominee to head the CIA, Leon Pinetta. Which is ironic seeing as they’re job is gathering Intelligence and if they we’re halfway decent at their jobs they could have gotten the scoop before it was announced thereby proving Obama’s point that the CIA needs vast improvement.

Bride Wars Flops at Box Office – I know we’re all shocked that another Kate Hudson bombed. Evidently she never inherited the funny gene from her Mom Goldie Hawn.

So much for free pens – Thanks to new rules governing marketing to doctors by drug companies, all promotional materials featuring drugs are banned from doctor’s offices including those cool drug pens that I love to steal borrow. I guess Pharma companies will have to increase drug sales the old-fashioned way: By actually making worthwhile drugs that cure disease and are affordable.

Not turning out to be a good year for White supremacists – Adding to the insult of Obama being inaugurated, the folks in the inbred social circle known as the KKK now have this to contend with. New figures show Barbie the icon of blond hair, blue eyes has been overtaken as the top selling toy in sales by Dora the Explorer, the Spanish speaking Latina adventurer. I can see members of the Aryan Brotherhood getting so angry they burn a cross in their yard.

Overheard in the Obama White House after the Inaguration -
MO: "What a day!"
BO: "Phew, yeah...what a day!"
MO: "I'm exhausted. Could you get the light, Barack?"
BO: "Yes I can! I will not only get the light, I will shine the light for all Americans and show them the way through the darkness! It is a light that arises from the hopes and dreams of the old and the young, the black and white and yellow and red and brown, the gay and the straight, the rich and the poor! It is a light on whose rays the promise of hope...to make that light a beacon of progress. And I say to you tonight: This is our moment! This is our bedtime!"
MO: "Oh fer god's sake never mind, I'll do it myself"

The 2008 ROSSY AWARDS!

The origin of these awards date back to my college days when our fraternity handed these out in honor of the best of our dumb, drunken, or debauchery moments. Since we're out of school and (mostly) out of trouble I've decided to give out these awards on a global scale.

The Home Depot Do It Yourself Award – Eschewing the traditional method for snow and ice removal of using salt and a shovel, a man in New Bedford, MA accidently burned down his house after trying to melt the snow on his deck with a propane welder's torch. Local authorities decided against pressing charges citing local statute does not have laws against being a jackass.

The Cheech and Chong Award – In what should the greatest Cop arrest video ever, a Valparaiso University basketball player named Logan Jones was pulled over by Indiana State Police for suspicion of drunk driving. Upon opening the window in a cloud of marijuana smoke and with a 12 ounce bag of weed on his lap, Jones was quoted as saying 'Hey Man, Be Cool'. Once the officer was able to come down from his contact high he cited Jones for Marijuana possession.

The Guantanimo Bay Award - A manager of a Utah Real Estate firm found an interesting way to provide motivation to his Sales Team, by having one of his salespeople waterboarded in front of the company. Derived from the Middle Ages, wateboarding is a form of torture that simulates the effect of drowning, proving torture apparently isn't just for the CIA or rogue governments anymore.

The Larry King Cringe Inducing TV Moment Award - During an interview on The Today Show, Matt Lauer asked Robert F. Kennedy Jr. how his dad was doing. The question would normally be benign except RFK Jr. is the son of that Robert F. Kennedy who was assassinated in 1968. Junior responded by saying 'Don't you mean my uncle Ted Kennedy?' which was polite way of saying 'Are you a complete idiot?'

The Best Use of Profanity on Live TV Award - While on The Today Show (first time dual winner of a Rossy), Actress Jane Fonda mentioned the four letter C-word to describe her feminine area more commonly referred to as the thermo-nuclear device of the English Language. In an apology, NBC noted that it was not nice way to describe Matt Lauer.

The Best Use of Profanity in a coutroom - As a result of the court case Fox Sports vs. the Federal Communication Commission, where the network appealed a fine over the use of an F-word blurted during live telecast. It marked the first time the US Supreme Court allowed the F-word during proceedings.

A snippet of the court transcript: "If it please the court we ask the fine be reversed because it's not fair to fine a Sports Network all because some f****n idiot said f*** during a football game. I mean that's f****d up!"

The Karma is a Bitch Award - In 2006 Circuit City laid off it's most experienced, highest paid electronic salespeople in favor of newer, minimum wage salespoeple and notified them in the most dignified way: via an mass e-mail. As a result Circuit City sales drop 40% and is forced into bankruptcy, while many of those laid-off employees are hired by competitor Best Buy for more money and their profits increase by 40%. Coincidence? I think not.

The Ron Jeremy Award - A Danish soccer team, FC Copenhagen we're promised a lifetime of free porn if they posted a winning season. In possibly related news, participation in soccer leagues around Denmark reported a 300% increase in participation of young men aged 13-35.

The Eliot Spitzer Award for Best Prostitution Bust - A college professor from the Midwest visiting New York City had his trip to a S&M Club cut short when his 'Mistress of Pain' called 9-1-1 for an ambulance due to him passing out while hog-tied wearing only a diaper.

The Best Riot not involving European Soccer Fans - Police in suburban Milwaukee, WI responded in full riot gear to a Chuck E' Cheese where over 40 parents got involved in drunken brawl. As a result, the children's pizza/arcade restuarant lost its liquor license after police we're called to break up drunken fights a total of 15 times over the course of 2008. In response Chuck E' Chese decided to change their slogan "Where a kid can be a kid, and a parent can be a drunken beligirent asshole".

The Best Fight (Non-Drinking Category) - Two nuns and a priest we're arrested for beating up a restuarant owner in Rutino, Italy over a dispute of renting an old church rectory for his business using a little known Catholic sacrament called 'Opening a can of Whoop-Ass'. As a consequence donations were reportedly up at the town parish Our Lady of the Perpetual Beat-Down.

The Best Fight (Drinking Category) - Austrailian Parliament Member Andrew Fraser was censored for getting into fistacuffs with three other members over an innocuous Highway bill. Colleagues speculated that the incident was most likely influnced by Fraser having a liquid lunch of about 12 beers.

The Ethics in New Jersey Gov't Award - This year we hand out to neighboring New York City and it's Staten Island Congressman Vito Fossella who managed in a 24 hour period to pull off the political scandal trifecta:

1. After being kicked out of Congressional party in honor of the Super Bowl champion NY Giants for unruly behavior, Fossella gets arrested for DUI.
2. Later that night, Fossella is bailed out by a woman with whom he has intimate relations with but is not his wife.
3. Upon following the story, Washington Post finds out that said mistress also had Fossella's out-of-wedlock child last year.

The Lifetime Achievement Award - In an interview with Fox and Friends, octagenarian actor Earnest Borgnine when asked what his secret to longevity was, replied 'I masturbate alot'. In addition to the priceless look on the everybody's face, it proved that wisdom does indeed come with age.